Old and New Jokes

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?

The pharmacist said Just a minute, Ill go talk to my sister.

When she returned, she said, the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

__MacDonalds Soliloquy__
or, Parody after Macbeth
Gregory Lam
Feb. 5/96

Is this a burger which I see before me,
The soft bun in my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I eat thee not, and yet I want thee still.
Art thou not, gourmets vision, sensible
To taste as to sight? or art thou but
A burger of the mind, a false dinner,
Proceeding from the meat-oppressed stomach?
I see thee yet, in form as palatable
As this cracker which now I chew.
Thou nourishst me on the way that I was going,
And such condiments I was to use!
Mine mouth are made the fools o the other senses,
The calories worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy plate and Happy Meals of fat,
Which was not so before. Theres no such food:
It is the bloody diet which informs
Thus to mine eyes. Now oer the Weight Watchers
Tastebuds seem dead, and raw salads abuse
The growling bowels; famished celebrate
Jenny Craigs offerings, and witherd hunger,
Alarumd by his sentinel, the bathroom scale,
Laughs as it watches, thus with his mocking numbers.
With Hamburglars ravishing strides, towards his goal
I move like a ghost. Thou warm and delicious beef,
Hear not my teeth, which way they chew, for fear
My very swallows prate of my gluttony,
And take the present mirror from the room,
When now suits do not fit. Whiles I starve, he lives:
Buffets to the heat of charbroiled chicken gives.
[A bell rings.]
I go, and it is done; the microwave bell invites me.
Hear it not, Tongue; for it is a knell
That summons thy mouth to heaven and thy body to hell.
[Exeunt.]

In our image processing lab we recently had a chance to
digitize and then re-view some of the Presidential campaign
speeches. Of particular interest was George Bushs famous
Read my lips, No New Taxes speech.

We hired a speech specialist and showed the tape to her over and
over several times. Not only was the tape played back slowly,
but we performed a zoom operation on the (now) Presidents face. As
she read his face for clues, it became painfully obvious to her that
George Bush was saying–Read my lips, No Nude Taxes.

With this subjective information, we called the White House
for an explanation. Reluctantly the White House Staff admitted that
yes, that was correct–The President planned to clothe new taxes
as user fees.

Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak…woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.

Thats amazing exclaimed the father.

You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?

No, said the old tribesman. They just ran over me five minutes ago!

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?

Yeah, sure thing, replied his friend, fire away.

Well, said the first guy, why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?

Its probably because of her speech impediment, replied the second guy.

What do you mean her speech impediment?

inquired the first fellow.

My wife doesnt have a speech impediment!

Well, replied his friend, you must be the only guy who hasnt noticed that she cant say NO!!

Una pareja, que cumplía su cincuenta aniversario de bodas, estaba sentada en la mesa para desayunar. El marido se dirige a su mujer:

Fíjate, cariño, llevamos casados 50 años.

Sí, hace 50 años estábamos en esta misma mesa desayunando juntos.

Lo sé. Hace 50 años, seguramente estábamos aquí sentados, desnudos, como una pareja de jóvenes jilgueros.

Bueno, ¿qué hacemos cielo, nos desnudamos?

La pareja de ancianos se desnuda y se sienta a la mesa.

Sabes, cariño, la viejecita le dice casi sin aliento, mis pezones están iguales de calientes hoy, por ti, que hace 50 años.

¡No me sorprende, uno lo tienes en el café y el otro está dentro del chocolate con churros.

Q: What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?

A: A robber snatches watches.

They reckon it was the cigarettes that killed him, but hes been smoking
for 68 years I dont see why it would kill him now!