Old and New Jokes

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother, How old are you?

Mommy says Honey, women dont talk about their age, youll learn later on in life.

The girl then asks, Mommy. How much do you weigh?

Mommy says, Thats another thing women dont talk about, youll find out when you are grown up.

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?

Mommy says, Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I dont want to talk about it now.

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mothers conversation.

The girlfriend says, All you have to do is sneak a look at your mothers drivers license. Its just like a report card, it tells you everything.

The little girl and her mother are shopping again.

The girl says, Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.

Mommy is very shocked! She asks Sweetheart how did you do that?

The girl shrugs and says, I just know, and I know how much you weigh too. You weigh 120 pounds.

The mother is flabbergasted.

She asks, Where did you learn that?

The little girl says, I just know, thats all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an F in sex!

1) Never eat at a place called Moms 2) Never play cards with a man named Doc 3) Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of

18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.

Whats the matter, dear? asks the woman at the front desk.

Well, sniffed the girl, He told me hed been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they werent entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water.

One day Jims conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widows house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldnt be dishonest anymore.

Dont quit now, Peter begged. A few more jobs and we can retire.

Jim refused to change his mind.

Peter, he said. I just cant do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said – Repaint, repaint… you thinner.

Guy goes to the pharmacy at his wifes request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls.

Staring at him in disbelief she asks, What the HELL…?!?! I asked for TAMPONS, not friggin COTTONBALLS!!

He says, Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive…..?

A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in front of him. He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her down.

He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road.

She is groaning in pain. She mumbles I think Im blind.

I think Im blind.

Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, How many fingers do I have up?

Oh my God, she says. Im not paralyzed too, am I?

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents * I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldnt get messed up by being near the window.* A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?* I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with Im not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. Her response … click.* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, Dont lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.* I got a call from a man who asked, Is it possible to see England from Canada? I said, No. He said But they look so close on the map.* Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 820am and got into Chicago at 833am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!* A woman called and asked, Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whos luggage belongs to who? I said,

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gable!
Gable who!
Gable to leap buildings in a single bound!

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

What is it, child?

The girl said, Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, My dear, I have good news. That isnt a sin – its only a mistake.