Old and New Jokes

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!

A prominent Columbia Maryland Yuppette had her teenage niece from New York visiting for the summer. She decided to sit down and have a talk with the girl explaining how things were done in Yuppie City.

Darling, she advised, you must be careful of certain men who offer you several drinks. Before you realize it, theyll push you down on a couch and … well … our family will be disgraced.

Less than a week later, the Aunt asked her how things were going.

Great! said the girl. A young stud did indeed try to ply me with liquor, but I made him drink them. Then, when he was bombed out of his mind, I pushed him down on couch and screwed his brains out. So it looks like our familys doing pretty damn good, huh?

Q: Whats brown and red and black and blue?

A: A brunette whos told one too many blonde jokes.

What do womens breasts and toy cars have in common? Theyre meant for kids but dads end up playing with both!

You might be a redneck if…
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

Hire relationship counselor; see if he and Monica can give it another shot
Run for Mayor of New York and bring back the hookers!
Just enjoy being a regular U.S. citizen…with round-the-clock Secret Service and a $200,000 severance
Every morning check classifieds for job openings under Presidents
Get bitchin Camaro, cruise around Chappaqua for lonely housewives
Wait till statute of limitations runs out, admit everything
Tell Bush, No, you take over in 2004, stay President
Same thing he did back in Arkansas – eat Crisco while watching reruns of Bonanza
Call Al Gore, ask for Lou Zer, hang up
Two words: Temptation Island

©MMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.

Q: How does Bill Clinton say Im about to hurt you?
A: Trust me.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
Youd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut–you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spiders home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess Ill stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.