Old and New Jokes

Llega un tipo a su casa y decide sorprender a su mujer, entra a la casa y ve que en la sala está la ropa de su mujer tirada en el piso,

sube al cuarto y en el pasillo ve más ropa tirada, entonces saca su arma creyendo que su mujer esta con el amante, entra y ve que dos personas están haciendo el amor entre las sábanas, no las distingue bien pero ¡bum! les dispara.

Entonces baja a la cocina a tomar un poco de agua y ve a su mujer tomando agua ahí, entonces el hombre dice:

Amor, ¿no estabas en el cuarto?

Y la mujer le responde:

No, me olvidé de decirte que tus padres vinieron de sorpresa y están en nuestro cuarto.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to scream, and we arent going to know when to take off!

Top Baseball Player Demands

From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994

In case anyone has oded on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]

No team flights on Continental Airlines.

Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.

Make it legal to cork their pants.

Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.

No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]

Two words: Streisand tickets.

Every team has to have at least one player named Mookie.

Plenty of dugout Slimfast.

Put an on-deck circle in Madonnas bed.

More games against the Mets.

You cant guard against the arbitrary.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

A guy walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her. He says Would you like to dance? and she replies I really dont like this song. And even if I did I wouldnt dance with you. To which the guy replies I dont think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants.

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, Do you think Ill find Big Bird in here?

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, Do you think Ill find the Cookie Monster down there?

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, Do you think Ill hear Barney in there?

Oh, no! the little girl replied. Jesus is in my heart.

Barneys on my underpants.

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. Sorry Im a little late.  I had to stop by the drugstore.

9. Show me how you used to spank her.

8. Please come inside?  Wow, you sound just like your daughter.

7. Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?

6. I just got my license today.

5. I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me

mature.

4. Five bucks says shes a D-cup.

3. Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?

2. Hi.  Im Robert, but my friends call me Back Door Bob.

1. So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom
This is a magic broom — point it at anybody, say Bangity bangity bang, and they will die. Bob was really worried because he didnt think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bobs turn came and they had ran out.
Dont worry. said the man issuing them out. I will give you this magic carrot — point it at somebody, say Stabbity stabbity stab, and they will die." Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didnt have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said Bangity bangity bang! and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldnt die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were Tankity tankity tank.

Why are the first three letters of diet DIE? No wonder this diet is killing me.

If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that make a paradox?

If you have two dimes, is that a new paradigm?

If you have two different viewpoints simultaneously is that a parasites?

If you hire two lawyers, does that mean that both lawyers could be replaced by one paralegal?

If you shoot two deer in one day is that called a parachute?

If you are lax about something, and then are lax about it again is that called a relax?

Do two normal people make one paranormal?

When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to strain twice?

If you are a complete pessimist, does this mean you are positively negative?

When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he is reversing himself?

When Bach or Beethoven erased a manuscript to make changes, were they decomposing?

Are two dice a paradise?