Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.

Doc, youve gotta help me! My wife just isnt interested in sex anymore. Havent you got a pill or something I can give her?

Look, I cant prescribe …

Doc, weve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? Im desperate! I cant think; I cant concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! Youve got to help me.

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. Ordinarily, I wouldnt do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that theyre VERY powerful. Dont give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.

I dont know, doc; shes awfully cold …

One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?

UM … okay.

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wifes coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes … he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, signs deeply and heavily and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, I need a man …

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, Me too …

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

You just wont believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force Ive never seen anything like it.

Oh yes dear, what happened ?

I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?

Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.

Sure, said the drunk man.

Ill find Jesus.

So the priest took the drunk mans head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.

Damn, said the drunk man.

Are you sure he fell in there?

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because its no big deal unless youre not getting any.

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.



One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.



Well the guy says, I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We cant be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18



The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say happy birthday, happy birthday!



The bartender asks so which one died?



No one.



But you only ordered two drinks!



Yeah, well, Ive given up drinking.

Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided to break up with him.

Im sorry Chuck, but you just dont have a good sense of humor, Laura said one day, Youre dry, boring and you never seem to say anything funny.



Chuck who didnt feel she was correct in the least, simply smiled and said, Im sorry you feel that way, Laura. Im sure youll make some guy very happy some day, she smiled and blushed a little, then, hell zip up his pants, leave $20 on the dresser, and forget to close the door on his way out.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chads mother and tell her he is OK. He cant write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadnt been for the lightning.



Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didnt hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didnt burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.



We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasnt his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; thats probably why he cant get insurance on it. We think its a neat car. He doesnt care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.



Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Dont worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isnt any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.



This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldnt let me because I cant swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isnt crabby like some scoutmasters. He didnt even get mad about the life jackets.



He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. Im so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.



I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Dont worry about anything. We are fine.



Love, Cole