Old and New Jokes

There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!!!

The very angry looking Genie said, Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!

The suprised man said, OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.

The genie replied with a smirk, Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No Im sorry, it just cant happen.

The man said, Fine then, I want to understand women.

The genie said, Would you like two lanes or four?

Do you believe in life after death? the boss asked one of his employees.

Yes, Sir. the new recruit replied.

Well, then, that makes everything just fine, the boss went on.

After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral, she stopped in to see you.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

An insurance company.

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if theyll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, theres only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if theres some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, Look at these. Theyre the most perfect ones God ever created, and Im sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity.

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, OK, Diana, you may go in.

Dolly is outraged. She screams, What was that all about? I show you two of Gods own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I dont?!!!

Sorry Dolly says St. Peter, but a royal flush beats a pair any day.

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties:

Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids.

The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign:

Queers & Rears.

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople.

Finally, the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign:

Odds & Ends

A blind man was sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sat down next to him and began chomping on a piece of matzah.Taking pity on the disabled, he broke off a piece and gave it to the blind man.Several minutes later, the blind man tapped the Rabbi on the shoulder and asked, Who wrote this sh*t?

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, I have four sons. One more and Ill have a basketball team.

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, Thats nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and Ill have a football team.

To which the Mormon replied, You fellas aint got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and Ill have a golf course.

Paddy was standing at the bar with a Rottweiler at his feet.

Does your dog bite, Paddy? asked Mick.

No, replied Paddy.

So Mick went to pat the dog and the dog just about tore Micks arm off.

I thought you said your dog didnt bite, screamed Mick.

Thats not my dog, replied Paddy.

Una mujer va con el médico a pedirle que le coloque silicona en el busto.

¿Las máximas?, pregunta el galeno.

Sí.

Pepe, Pepe trae las siliconas atómicas.

Después de que se las colocaron, la señora dice:

Me gustan así de grande, pero doc, creo que hay un problema: estas tetas no tienen pezón

Enojado, el médico le reclama a su asistente:

¡Pepe, me trajiste un poto!

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.

How did you know I was speeding? the frustrated driver asked.



The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.



You mean, asked the motorist, that even He is against me?