18
Apr

New twist on things

A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.

As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday School today! There wasnt a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasnt there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!

18
Apr

Polish Joke

Three
guys work on a construction site. One is white, one
is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch
and the white man opens his lunch bag and sighs deeply,
saying, "If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again
tomorrow Im jumping off the building." The black
guy opens up his lunch, glares and says " If my
wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, Im going
with you." The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls
out another ham sandwich, and says "Im with you
guys."
The next day the lunch bell rings. The white man
opens his lunch. He says, "Turkey sandwich. I
love my wife." The black guy opens his lunch.
He says, "Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The
Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and
said "HAM AGAIN! See ya guys." With that,
he jumped off the building. The black guy says "
I feel sorry for him." The white man replies,
"Im not, he packs his own lunch."

18
Apr

The Real Programmers Natural Habitat

What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, its best to put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work done.

The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal. Surrounding this terminal are:

  • Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.
  • Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.
  • Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OSJCL manual and the Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages.
  • Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for the year 1969.
  • Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars — the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they cant get any worse while waiting in the vending machine.
  • Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions.
  • Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintainence people.)

Thanx to William Conway.

18
Apr

The Accident

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companys fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. Didnt you say, at the scene of the accident, Im fine? said the lawyer.Farmer Joe responded, Well Ill tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…. I didnt ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted, just answer the question.Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, Im fine!Farmer Joe said, Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….The lawyer interrupted again and said, Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joes answer and said to the lawyer, Id like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.I was hurting real bad and didnt want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked

18
Apr

How many Jews does it take to run a …

Q: How many Jews does it take to run a humor mailing list?

A: One to tell a joke, and a few hundred to discuss it to boringness.

18
Apr

Loony laws

Here are some real U.S. laws that are just crazy! And some are still on the books!

In Ottumwa, Iowa, It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted.

In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at thesame time.

In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars todogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

In Carmel, N.Y., a man cant go outside while wearing a jacket andpants that do not match.

In St. Louis, its illegal to sit on the curb of any city streetand drink beer from a bucket.

In Hartford, Conn., you arent allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Baltimore, its illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. Its also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

In Oxford, Ohio, its illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a mans picture.

In Carrizozo, N.M., its forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).

In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel … however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.

In Michigan, a woman isnt allowed to cut her own hair without her husbands permission.

In Pennsylvania, any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.

In Kentucky, No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club.

An amendment to the above legislation The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.

18
Apr

What Can I Get?

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the counter is a young woman.

May I speak to the pharmacist? he asks. Well, she replies, I am the pharmacist.

He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a *male* pharmacist, as he has a male problem.

She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular establishment.

He blushes and says, Well, I really do need help, so I guess Ill ask you… I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid of it. Its been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for it?

The woman looks thoughtful, and says, Hold on, Ill go in back and ask my sister.

After a couple of minutes she returns and says, Well give you half of the business and its profits, but thats all we can give you for it…

18
Apr

Medical humor

2 guys talking…

Man 1: My doctors a quack! My wife got treated for liver problems for
20 years, and then she dies from a heart attack!

Man 2: My doctors much better than that. If he treats you for liver
problems, you can bet your last 50 cents youre going to die
of liver problems.

17
Apr

Q: How many Pet

Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.

17
Apr

Q: How many Americans

Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isnt defective.