A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not going to.. To.. Cut it off, are you???!?
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, Nope. You are. *Im* going to set the garage on fire.
10
May
10
May
It is with the saddest heart i pass on the following:Please join me in remembering a great icon – the veteran Pillbury spokesman. The Pillsbury doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess twinkies,
and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours.As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on halfbaked schemes. Despite being being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millons.
Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart. Doughboyis surved by his wife, Play Dough; two chidren,
John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty.
10
May
Did you hear that the library at Georgia State burned down? It was terrible, both books burned and they werent even colored in!
10
May
A: Because its too far to walk.
10
May
Money cant buy you happiness, but it can take you a long way
from misery.
10
May
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.
10
May
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmothers house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
Johnny, wait until we say our prayer, his mother reminded him.
I dont have to, the little boy replied.
Of course you do, his mother insisted, we say a prayer before eating at our house.
Thats at our house, Johnny explained, but this is Grandmas house and she knows how to cook!
10
May
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They dont even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldnt be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that theyve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! ITS A WONDER WE HAVENT ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS…. Im sorry… what did you ask me?
10
May
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from
a shopping spree, was walking down the street
when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled.
The woman snaps at him, Well, I can see that youre
no gentleman!
The hillbilly says, And I can see you aint one, neither!
10
May
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was …Hmmm. Not working according to plan…
DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time….