A pancake that has fallen on the kitchen floor and you are very hungry for a pancake, but when you pick it up you find the gooey syrup and the creamy butter have acted like a kind of flypaper and so your spongey, yummy pancake is covered in lint, dustmites, a splotch of still-moist mustard from the night before, a broken match, and of course millions of squirming, pulsing bacteria. Poor pancake… and you were so hungry.
17
Apr
17
Apr
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon. In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car
default warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would be
17
Apr
Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people–many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women–ooops, women and men–we
present the highest possible honor: entry into the Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame.
Following are their accounts …
Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicles license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German tourist, supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a handicap was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.
Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house–where she realized that the camels name was Otto.
Arizona: A company called Guns For Hire stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head–and realized that hed forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole–are you ready for this?–the banks video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didnt get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a banks basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed 911 for help…
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
17
Apr
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (thats
the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started
to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over
her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady Two asked, Whats that?
Lady One replied, A condom.
Lady Two asked, Whered you get it?
Lady One replied, You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady Two hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The
guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s),
but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Doesnt matter, she replies, as long as it fits a Camel.
17
Apr
A lady walks into a restaraunt and orders the blue plate special. Its the chicken. Shes eating for about 5 minutes, and suddenly she starts choking on a bone.
Two hillbillies at the next table decided to help. One of them had an idea and wispered it to the other.
After agreeing to what the other one had wispered, one of them pulled down their pants and bends over. The other hillbillie started licking his butt, and almost immediately, the woman throws up spitting out the bone.
The two hilbillies high-five each other, and one says to the other –
I told you that hind-lick manuever would work!!!
16
Apr
Un hombre en su lecho de muerte reunió a su abogado, su doctor y el sacerdote de su parroquia y les entregó a cada uno un sobre con $25,000 en efectivo. A cada uno le hizo prometer que tras su muerte pondrÃan los tres sobres en su ataud, ya que querÃa tener suficiente dinero en la otra vida. Una semana más tarde el hombre murió. En el velorio, el abogado, el doctor y el cura depositaron un sobre en el ataud y se despidieron de su amigo.
Casualmente, los tres se encontraron meses después. El cura, sintiéndose culpable, confesó que el sobre sólo contenÃa $10,000, ya que pensó que en lugar de desperdiciar ese dinero, podÃa aprovecharlo para una buena obra. El doctor, conmovido por la sinceridad del cura, confesó que él también se habÃa quedado con parte del dinero y que el sobre sólo contenÃa $8,000.
Para entonces el abogado estaba que expoltaba de ira. Dijo que estaba profundamente desilusionado del comportamiento de sus dos amigo. Y añadió: Yo soy el único que respetó la promesa que hicimos a nuestro amigo. Quiero que sepan que el sobre que puse en el ataud contenÃa la cantidad completa. ¡De hecho, mi sobre contenÃa mi cheque personal por los $25,000!
16
Apr
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?
The flattered husband said, No, dear they havent.
The wife yells, Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?
16
Apr
Thanksgiving to do list from Martha Stewart…
Blanch the carcass from your Thanksgiving turkey, taking care to remove all meat, cartilage and sinew.Dry carcass thoroughly. Spray paint the carcass gold, turn it upside down, and use it as a sleigh to hold holiday greeting cards.
Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers and elf uniforms.
Deflate your car tires and re-fill them with Glade Holiday Scented air.This way, when your tires get shot out or slashed at the mall, they will release a fresh, cheery scent.
Organize your spice rack by genus and phylum.
When you receive your new phone book, use the old one as a personal address book by simply crossing out the names and addresses of people whom you dont know.
16
Apr
Your mamma is so fat when she sees a bus go down the street she says stop that twinkee!
16
Apr
Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
Come have a look over here, says Bubba, Its Zeb Jones grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.
Thats nothing, says Earl, heres one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.
Just then, Jeb yells out, But heres a fella that died when he was 145 years old!
What was his name? asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, Miles, from Georgia.