Old and New Jokes

A man goes to the doctors and says, Doctor, Ive got this problem you see, only youve got to promise not to laugh.

The doctor replies, Of course I wont laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor Ive never laughed at a patient.

OK then, says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor.

Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes, Im so sorry, he says to the patient, I dont know what came over me, I wont let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, Its swollen.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing. The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. This recessions really putting a big dent in my income, he told them. From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans. The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. Look, he said, I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay? A freakin quarter? the drum leader exclaimed. If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts! No way, dude. We quit! And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days

On day four kids were playing on a slide and a genie appeared in they all stopped and huddled amongst them selves.

The genie said: The next time you go down the slide say somethig you want to land in and you will and at that the genie poofed up in smoke.

One by one they lined up to get their wishes.

The first kid said Lollies he slid down and he landed in lollies.

The next kid did the same but instead he said chips.

The third kid was still young and hadnt got the concept and just went down as usual and yelled Weee!

The fourth kid acciedentally bumped his knee and screamed Shit! before sliding down head first into it.

December 14th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldnt have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

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December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. Im just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

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December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, arent you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I dont deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist…. youre just too kind.

Love Agnes

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December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but dont you think enough is enough? Youre being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

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December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

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December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So youre back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

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December 20th

John:

Whats with you and those fricking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? Theres bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. Im a nervous wreck and I cant sleep all night. ITS NOT FUNNY…….So stop with those fricking birds!

Sincerely, Agnes

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December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? Its not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I cant move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.

Ag

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December 22nd

Hey Buttface:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now theres nine pipers playing. And geeeez – do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. Youll get yours.

From Ag

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You Rotten Prick:

Now theres ten ladies dancing – I dont know why I call those sluts ladies. Theyve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows cant sleep and theyve gotdiarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldnt be condemned. Im sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag

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December 24th

Listen Asshole:

Whats with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youre satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

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December 25th

(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

A man stumbles out of a bar one night obviously drunk. He makes his way down the street knocking into everything in his path. A police officer watches him from a cruiser across the street. The man comes up to a parked car, fumbles around in his pockets, gets his keys, and proceeds to drive away. The police officer, unbelieving what he saw, pulls the man over a few blocks down the road. The man gives a breathalizer for the officer and to the officers amazement – the guy was stone cold sober.

I cant belive it! I watched you walk to this car, drive erratic all the way down the road, and my machine says you have no alcohol in your system! How can that be???

Oh thats easy, replies the man.

Tonight Im the designated decoy.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?

I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling.

Okay, truck drivers are not nerds, he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

Why did you do that?

Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You dont even need a license.

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

He cant let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season, says the truck driver.
Well, sure, says the patrolman. But you cant bait em!

Estaban dos borrachos en una esquina discutiendo:

Compadre, ésa es la luna.

No, ése es el sol.

¡Qué no, ésa es la luna!

¡Pero tú estás loco, no ves que ése es el sol! Es más, vamos a preguntarle a aquel tipo que viene para que veas que es el sol.

¡Psss, señor! ¿Qué opina, usted, ése es el sol o es la luna?

El tipo mira hacia arriba y dice:

Bueno, eso está difícil porque yo no vivo por aquí.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been rounding up bad guys all day, and were
in big-time need of a beer. They rode their horses as fast as they could
to the nearest town, and tied them to the rail outside the saloon.

The Lone Ranger told Tonto to stay outside a little while and run around
Silver real fast so that Silver doesnt get sick from overheating.

Tonto said, Sure thing, Kemosabe, and did as he was asked.

While the Lone Ranger was inside having his beer, a stranger walked in and
asked, Who owns that big white stallion tied up outside?

I do, said the Lone Ranger, whats it to you?

The stranger ordered a beer, turned to Lone Ranger and said, Nothin to
me, Pardner, but you left your injun runnin