Old and New Jokes

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off.

Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, I know tonight is Kol Nidre but tonight is the European Cup Final and my team is playing . Ive got to watch the game on TV.

The Rabbi responds, Gotlieb, thats what VCRs are for.

Gotlieb is surprised. You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?

2 men are sitting in a Bar, talking about space travelling

We, Americans, can easily fly to the planet Mars.

We, Belgians, can easily fly to the Sun.

To the sun??? But the Sun … is much too hot!

Thats why we go by night.

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mothers

hair and sadly said: Why is some of your hair white mommy?

The mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white.

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said… Momma, how come *all* of grandmas hairs are white?

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?One less drunk.

Heres my favourite recipe for fruit cake.

Youll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Dont forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Explaining their policy on not cashing checks for people who dont have accounts with their bank, the teller said, Why if he didnt have an account here, I wouldnt cash a check for my own brother.

The irate customer replied, Well … you know your family a lot better than I.

The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

Fuck is such a versatile word…

Greetings: How the fuck are you!

Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.

Trouble: Well, I guess Im fucked now.

Confusion: What the fuck…?

Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!

Denial: I didnt fucking do it.

Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?

Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?

Directions: Fuck off.

Chronology: Its Five-Fucking-Thirty!

Business: I hate this fucking job.

Oedipal: Motherfucker.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:

Where the fuck is all that water coming from?

-Captain of the Titanic

Thats not a fucking real gun.

-John Lennon

Whos going to fucking know?

-President Nixon

Any fucking idiot could understand that.

-Albert Einstein

What the fuck was that?

-Mayor of Hiroshima

It fucking does so look like her.

-Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out?

-Pythagoras

You want what on the fucking ceiling?

-Michelangelo

Fuck a duck.

-Walt Disney

Scattered showers my fucking ass!

-Noah

Pick up the fuckin phone!

-E.T.

Fuck Logic!

-Spock

I cant breathe in this fucking thing!

-Darth Vader

Fuck Im hungry!

-Ghandi!

Do or do not, there is no fuckin try!

-Yoda

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.