Old and New Jokes

Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?

A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Jay Leno monologue, It seems the principal of a Cincinnati school has sent a letter to parents — sent a letter home to parents, rather — regarding allegations that a fifth grade class was swapping sex for soda money. Trading sex for soda. So apparently that new Britney Spears Pepsi ads are really working. How creepy is that? Actually, a novel written by Britney Spears and her mother was released today. Its called A Mothers Gift. And if youve ever seen Britney in a tube top, i think what you know what the gift is.

A Canadian was observing teaching methods in schools in several African countries.

In one, she found the children doing a science lesson, timing the swing of a pendulum. The lesson had evidently been prepared in the US as the children were counting Mississippi one, Mississippi two, Mississippi three …

After the lesson the Canadian gave a talk and mentioned that if children in her country were doing this experiment, they would probably use a Canadian word like Saskatchewan to do the timing.

The next day, the Canadian happened to drop in on the class and found them still timing the pendulums swing, but today they were counting Saskatche one, Saskatche two …

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.

A few days later he calls his mother. Did you like the parrot? he asked her.

Oh yes, she replied. It was delicious.

WHAT! the man cried. You ate it? That parrot wasnt for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!

The mother paused for a moment and then said, So why didnt he say something?

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

Yet Another Darwin award candidate – or pair of candidates — this just might be the winner!

A tourist asks a man in uniform, Are you a policeman?

No, I am an undercover detective.

So why are you in uniform?

Today is my day off.

A man walking along a beach stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, Okay…you released me from the lamp… blah, blah, blah. You get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii, but Im afraid to fly as I get a sick feeling within. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?

The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Also, think of how much concrete would be needed…how much steel!! No, you must think of another wish.

The man said, Okay, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care about them and that Im insensitive. So, I wish I could understand women, know how they feel inside, what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing, know how to make them truly happy…

The genie looks at the man and asks, You want that bridge two lanes or four?

Entra un pequeño gnomo en un farmacia y dice:

Por favor, ¿podría darme una cajita de preservativos?

Y el farmacéutico le pregunta:

¿Control?

Y responde el gnomo, horrorizado:

¡Nooooo! ¡Sin Troll, sin Troll!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Iona!
Iona who?
Iona a great train set!