Old and New Jokes

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (thats
the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started
to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over
her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady Two asked, Whats that?

Lady One replied, A condom.

Lady Two asked, Whered you get it?

Lady One replied, You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady Two hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The
guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s),
but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Doesnt matter, she replies, as long as it fits a Camel.

A lady walks into a restaraunt and orders the blue plate special. Its the chicken. Shes eating for about 5 minutes, and suddenly she starts choking on a bone.

Two hillbillies at the next table decided to help. One of them had an idea and wispered it to the other.

After agreeing to what the other one had wispered, one of them pulled down their pants and bends over. The other hillbillie started licking his butt, and almost immediately, the woman throws up spitting out the bone.

The two hilbillies high-five each other, and one says to the other –

I told you that hind-lick manuever would work!!!

Un hombre en su lecho de muerte reunió a su abogado, su doctor y el sacerdote de su parroquia y les entregó a cada uno un sobre con $25,000 en efectivo. A cada uno le hizo prometer que tras su muerte pondrían los tres sobres en su ataud, ya que quería tener suficiente dinero en la otra vida. Una semana más tarde el hombre murió. En el velorio, el abogado, el doctor y el cura depositaron un sobre en el ataud y se despidieron de su amigo.

Casualmente, los tres se encontraron meses después. El cura, sintiéndose culpable, confesó que el sobre sólo contenía $10,000, ya que pensó que en lugar de desperdiciar ese dinero, podía aprovecharlo para una buena obra. El doctor, conmovido por la sinceridad del cura, confesó que él también se había quedado con parte del dinero y que el sobre sólo contenía $8,000.

Para entonces el abogado estaba que expoltaba de ira. Dijo que estaba profundamente desilusionado del comportamiento de sus dos amigo. Y añadió: Yo soy el único que respetó la promesa que hicimos a nuestro amigo. Quiero que sepan que el sobre que puse en el ataud contenía la cantidad completa. ¡De hecho, mi sobre contenía mi cheque personal por los $25,000!

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?



The flattered husband said, No, dear they havent.



The wife yells, Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?

Thanksgiving to do list from Martha Stewart…



Blanch the carcass from your Thanksgiving turkey, taking care to remove all meat, cartilage and sinew.Dry carcass thoroughly. Spray paint the carcass gold, turn it upside down, and use it as a sleigh to hold holiday greeting cards.



Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers and elf uniforms.



Deflate your car tires and re-fill them with Glade Holiday Scented air.This way, when your tires get shot out or slashed at the mall, they will release a fresh, cheery scent.



Organize your spice rack by genus and phylum.



When you receive your new phone book, use the old one as a personal address book by simply crossing out the names and addresses of people whom you dont know.

Your mamma is so fat when she sees a bus go down the street she says stop that twinkee!

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

Come have a look over here, says Bubba, Its Zeb Jones grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.

Thats nothing, says Earl, heres one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.

Just then, Jeb yells out, But heres a fella that died when he was 145 years old!

What was his name? asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, Miles, from Georgia.

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters father, That, sir, is some display of teamwork.

The father replied, I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.

Mrs. Martin went to see her gynecologist before her fourth marriage.

After the examination, the physician seemed confused. Youre a virgin. How is that possible?

My first husband was a psychiatrist, she explained. He analyzed it all the time.

My second husband was an English lit professor. He wrote about it all the time.

My third husband was a contractor and always said he would get around to it.

But now Im marrying a lawyer, she said with a smile, so I know Ill get screwed.

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, Is anyone here a doctor.

One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, Im a doctor, what can I help you with?

Ive been stung by a bee. Oh really, where? Between the first and second hole Well, first of all, your stance is too wide…