Old and New Jokes

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, You have to take a Breathalyzer test. The guy says, I cant. I have asthma, and itll start me on a coughing fit.

The cop says, Then I have to give you a blood test. The guy says, You cant. Im a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, Ill bleed all over the place.

The cops says, Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line. The guy says, I cant. The cop says, Why not?

The guy says, Because Im drunk you idiot… didnt you see the way I was driving!

90% of Fords are still on the road. The other 10% made it home! (you know, Fords – Fix or Repair Daily)

(He wants some jokes and anecdotes. – DJ )

True story:

I used to work for T.I. in Houston. Once a young programmer fellow
from the Bedford, England came to do some consulting. He was a nice
enough guy, but very stiff and proper. On his last day before returning
to G.B., I took him to lunch at a Lubys Cafeteria. While waiting
in line, I told him that before he left Texas, he simply must try
some mepyew.

He said, What?

I said, Mepyew. It is very popular. Everyone here eats it with lunch.
Sort of a Texas tradition. The woman in the serving line will ask you
if you want some.

I give a sly wink or two to various prospective diners who
were overhearing the conversation and looking quizzical.

He agreed to order some mepyew.

We approached the first station where the lady was selling jello
deserts and chilled salads.

Mepyew? she asked.

Yes please, he responded.

Mepyew?

Yes.

Mepyew? (Now with noticeable agitation.)

Yes! If you Please!

Well ahm not a mind reader!

I laughed a little.

Finally realizing that he had been had, he proceded directly to the
roast beef and mashed potatoes, as any good Englishman would.

I giggled. The people I had winked at giggled. My English friend
busied himself with macaroni and cake.

Back at the office, Sheila and Mike giggled. The Englishman studied
a directory listing.

Someday, Im going to invent a dish called mepyew. Maybe it will be
a jello and roast beef casserole.

Big holes all over Australia!

Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?

From Dear Abby newspaper column-

Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I
cant afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
-Sam in California

Dear Sam: Yes. Run for public office.

Want to leave the other country absolutely devasted? Ruined? Unable to function for years?
Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.

The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and theres a snail sitting on the doorstep.



What do you want? asks the owner.



I want a beer, says the snail.



First of all, were closed, and second of all, we dont serve snails. So go away!



The snail begs and pleads for a beer. The owner finally gets fed up, kicks the snail, and slams the door.



ONE YEAR LATER….



The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and theres a snail sitting on the doorstep.



Whatd you do that for? asks the snail.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Eva!
Eva who?
Eva youre deaf or your doorbell isnt working!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

91. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that youve been having terrible nightmares.