SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
STYLE:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
MONEY MANAGEMENT:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesnt want.
HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt.
A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change and she does.
MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.
MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MEMORIES:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didnt marry.
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
There are two times when a man doesnt understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:
Only two things are necessary to keep ones wife happy…
– One is to let her think she is having her own way.
– The other is to let her have it.
LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
MISTAKES:
Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use
two people remembering the same thing.
THE BATTLE:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs dont make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. 3. Its not the pace of life that concerns me, its the sudden stop at the end. 4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 5. Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere. 6. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. 7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if youre in the bathroom. 8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 9. Never knock on Deaths door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). 10. When youre finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? 11. If youre living on the edge, make sure you wear your seat belt. 12. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when its open. 13. There are two kinds of pedestrians… the quick and the dead. 14. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 15. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 16. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 17. Its not hard to meet expenses…theyre everywhere. 18. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
[Original–many ideas thought up after watching tonights (4/29) game.]
Top ten proposed improvements for World League American Football for 1992
10. After big plays, pictures of players and what they really do for a
living.
9. Winner of World Bowl plays NCAA division I runner-up.
8. Two expansion teams: the North Dakota Boredom and the Idaho Oat Bran.
7. Fans allowed to participate on 4th down.
6. Bodacious-bouncing-cheerleader-cam.
5. Homer Simpson will be the announcer for the Monday night game.
4. Fan-appreciation night where the first 40,000 fans at any US
home game get a free beer.
3. Use of wrestling referees who miss vital calls.
2. Football-cam (now you can see the action at the source!)
1. Pre-season WLAF.
Yo momma so fat I can stand on her belly and high-five God.
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentines card at the store
In hopes that, later, youd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasnt $250 a night.
6. Youre a woman of style, youre a woman of class
Especially when Im spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now Im fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but sos your ass.
3. Youre a honey. . . and youre a cutie
I just wished you had J-Los booty.
2. I dont wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, lets do it, Im horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clintons election?
A: Its gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We dont know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Estaba un borracho en una esquina, cuando una mujer pasa caminando. El borracho la observa y dice: ¡Adios, fea!
La mujer, indignada, se da media vuelta y le dice: ¡Borracho!
El borracho con una sonrisa contesta: ¡SÃ, pero a mà mañana se me pasa!
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He’s so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity
One day a man was walking down the beach and came upon an old lamp. remembering the stories of how these lamps contain genies, he began to rub it and out popped a genie. the genie,looking annoyed, said you are the fifth person this month to awaken me and i am tired of granting wishes. i am going to grant you only one wish so make it a good one.the man pondered for a moment and finally spoke, i like to travel to hawaii so build me my own personnel bridge there. the genie, in a bewildered voice said you must be crazy, it is impossible to build a bridge across the pacific ocean. do you realize how deep the water is? there would be no where to anchor the bridge supports. you must make another wish.
the man thinks for a few minutes and then turns to the genie and asks well then, tell me the secret to satisfying women. i want to know how to keep them happy and content.
the genie looks at the man and says do you want that bridge four lanes or six lanes.