Old and New Jokes

There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this everyday, but he told nobody what was inside the box. Then one day he died, and in his testament he gave the crew permission to open the box. So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper:
Starboard is right, port is left.

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of thewindshields.British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilots backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like a bolt shot from a crossbow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, andbegged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.NASA responded with a one-line memo: “Thaw the chicken.”

Why did the rabbit cross the road?

Chickens day off!

An Army guy and a Navy guy found themselves in a public restroom.
As the Army guy was walking out, the Navy guy said, while
washing his hands,

In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands before leaving the
restroom. Then the Army guy replied,

Well, in the Army, they teach us not to pee on our hands!

A photographer for anational magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advisedthat a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived atthe airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane waswaiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Lets go!" The tense mansitting in the pilots seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air,though flying erratically.

"Fly over the northside of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-levelpasses."

"Why?" asked thenervous pilot.

"Because Im going totake pictures!" yelled the photographer. "Im a photographer, and photographerstake pictures!"

The pilot replied,"You mean youre not the flight instructor?"

Yo mama is missing a finger and cant count past nine.

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, Im Eddie, Im here to pick up Betty. Were going for spaghetti, is she ready? No. The second beau came to the door and said, Im Joe, Im here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go? No. The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. Hello, my name is Chuck. The farmer shot Chuck.

There were three Blondes on a tiny Island. They all wanted to get off the Island but none of them knew how. So one day a genie came along and granted each one a wish.

The first one wished to become intelligent enough to get off the Island. So the genie turned her into a redhead and she swam off.

The next one said: Thats cool, I want to get more intelligent than her. The genie turned her into a Brunette and she built a boat and sailed off.

The third Blonde was really impressed and wanted to become even more intelligent. So the genie turned her into a man, who used the bridge.

Un viajante va por el desierto montado en su camello. De pronto, el animal se detiene y se niega a caminar. Desesperado, el viajero mira a su alrededor y, a lo lejos, logra divisar un local con un letrero en grandes letras:

SE REPARAN CAMELLOS

Alegre, corre hacia allá y encuentra a un árabe que le ofrece repararlo por 20 dólares. El tipo los paga y el moro manda una grúa para traer al camello. Cuando éste es traído, el dueño del local ordena:

Súbanlo a la rampa.

El animal es subido en la rampa y, con dos enormes piedras, le golpean en los testículos. El dromedario sale corriendo como alma en pena. Sorprendido, el dueño del animal pregunta:

Y yo, ¿cómo lo voy a alcanzar?

El árabe grita:

Súbanlo a la rampa.

If a man says something and there is not a woman around to hear it, is he still wrong?