An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
So, what is it? grumbled the governor.
Judge Garber has just died said the attorney, and I want to take his place.
The governor replied: Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker.
Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to do it and the other one to get his dick out of the gun.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Beets!
Beets who?
Beets me!
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
Ill bet youre back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive, says the beaming boy to his father.
Nope, comes dads reply, Im gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like youve been doing to me all these years.
Always hire a rich attorney.
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
Sorry I cant serve you, states the barman.
Why not?! asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
Youre under 18, replies the barman.
A bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden
death. The leader of the discussion said, We will all die some day, and none of
us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing
ourselves for that inevitable event. Everybody shook their heads in agreement
with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, What would you do if you knew you only had
four weeks of life remaining before your death?
A gentleman said, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to
those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lifes.
Very good! said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would
be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, I would dedicate all of my
remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a
greater conviction.
That is wonderful! the group leader commented, and all the group members
agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, I would go to
my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, Why your
mother-in-laws home?
Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, Because that would be the
longest four weeks of my life!
When you have an I Hate My Job day, try this….
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock you doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in you favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.
Then, carefully place it on a table or a flat surface, so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins- Take ou the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement.
Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested
Finally, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times.
I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.
Q: What do you get when you stick 32 rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth