Old and New Jokes

From todays USA Today: Top 10 things that Nancy Kerrigan wouldnt want to hear from her Olympic roommate, Tonya Harding:

No, I insist, you go first.
Your cocoa is the one on the left, and honest, its suppose to be that color.
Well, yeah, now that you mention it, I guess the tub is kind of slippery.
I know, lets pretend youre a pinata.
Ill design the kneepad, you endorse it. Well make a foutune!
Do you have any idea how Katarina feels about prractical jokes?
Oh. I guess those dont go in the microwave.
OK, so Ive watched the shower scene from Psycho nine straight times. Whats your point?
Someone named Knuckles? For me?
Enough, already. It was only a knee!

A woman decides that shes had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, Im here about your ad.

Momentarily taken aback, she says, Well, how do I know that youre loyal?

Well I saved my platoon from the Viet Cong in Vietnam. Thats how I lost my arms and legs.

Well, how do I know that youre rich? she inquires.

He replies,I make over three million dollars a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement.

Looking at him in his wheelchair, she demands How do I know youre a good lover?

He shrugs I rang the doorbell didnt I?

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandmas house when all of a sudden the big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree!

Red Riding Hood, Im going to eat you! he growls.

Eat, eat, eat, says Little Red Riding Hood.

Doesnt anybody fuck anymore?

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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandmas house when all of a sudden the big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree!

Red Riding Hood, Im going to fuck you! he growls.

Little Red Riding Hood pulls a gun from her bag, points it at the wolf and says, No youre not, youre going to eat me like the story says!

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or…!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or…!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."

Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, Does this taste funny to you?

8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as KKK.

A man comes home late one night, drunk.

Where have you been? asks his wife.

In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!

This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

Do you have golden chairs?

Yes.

Do you have golden glasses?

Yes.

Do you have golden beer?

Yes.

Do you have a golden urinal?

Hold on.

On the other end, she hears I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.

A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and…soon he needs to take a leak. Hes standing at the urinal in the mens room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white cock. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, I was in the mens room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock!

The bartender says, pointing, You mean those three guys at that table over there?

Yes, the man says, Theyre the ones.

Well, replies the bartender, those guys arent black. Theyre coal miners. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch.

Tres amigos se mueren en un accidente. Llegan al cielo y ven una pared con un montón de relojes colgados. Los amigos extrañados preguntan a San Pedro que son esos relojes y San Pedro responde: A cada persona muerta le corresponde un reloj y éste refleja el número de masturbaciones al día en promedio de cada uno.

Juan: ¡Aquí está el mío! Cinco vueltas.

Antonio: ¡El mío está allí! 10 vueltas.

Manolo: Oye San Pedro, no veo el mio.

Y San Pedro contesta:

¡El tuyo lo hemos puesto en el techo de ventilador!

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else… After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.



I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.



I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.



I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.



Im not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. Im not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I dont know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. Im not drunk you shilly sit! …

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied, Joes mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.

Well, replied the man, she must have had a lot of friends.

Nope, said the farmer, we all just want to buy his mule.