Old and New Jokes

Q: Why is yawning contagious?

A: People yawn when the pressure between their ears is different from that of the outside pressure. The yawning pops the ears and thus balances the inside and outside pressure. Because of the balancing there is a perceptible drop or increase in the surrounding room pressure. And if at this moment there is another person present in the vicinity of the yawning person, this change in room pressure will cause him to yawn to balance his in-between-ear pressure to that of the room pressure. Thus the cycle goes on till the inside-ear-pressure of all the persons and that of the room pressure is equal. But since every time someone yawns, there is a change in room pressure causing some one else to yawn, the cycle never ends … UNLESS all the people in the room yawn at the same time. Since the probability of all the people yawning at the same time is very low, the yawning goes on and on, leading us to believe that yawning is contagious.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
Farmer Bill Dies in House.
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out.
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands.
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms.
Eye Drops off Shelf.
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim.
Shot Off Womans Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66.
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax.
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
Stolen Painting Found by Tree.
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies.
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years.
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One.
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000.
84 War Dims Hope for Peace.
If Strike isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.
Deer Kill 17,000.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply.
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood.
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees.
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies.
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing.
Air Head Fired.
Steals Clock, Faces Time.
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff.
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board.
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction.
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies.

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You havent seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. Youre not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps arent staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police dont raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You dont know what time Wendys closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

There was a very old woman whod had enough of life.

One day she asked her doctor how to commit suicide in a quick manner. He told her to stab herself with a sharp knife two inches below and to the right of her left breast.

A few days later he was called to the hospital on an emergency. He found the same ancient woman in the emergency room with a horrible stab wound in her knee.

You might be a redneck if…
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Yo mama hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches.

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted 240-S.

The dealer asks, Why S?

The snail replies, S stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know whos driving.

Well, the dealer doesnt want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, theyd say Wow! Look at that S-car go!

Un hombre estaba sentado en un bar y observaba cómo un individuo sostenía una conversación con su mano derecha.

Intrigado se le acercó y le dijo: Perdone, pero he visto que usted lleva bastante rato hablando solo. ¿Le pasa algo malo?

Lo que pasa es que estoy estrenando un implante electrónico que me pusieron en la cabeza. Tengo un celular en mi mano, una computadora con televisión en mis ojos y otros adelantos de la era. Deme el teléfono de su casa por favor.

El hombre se lo dio y de pronto escuchó de la mano del individuo la voz de su mujer. Eso lo dejó sorprendido. La saluda y después le dice al sujeto:

Oiga eso está buenísimo ¿cómo puedo conseguir algo así?

Muy fácil, déjeme ir a orinal y de regreso le doy los pormenores.

Pasaron quince, veinte, treinta minutos y decidió ir a buscarlo al baño. Se llevó tremendo susto al encontrarlo con ambas manos contra la pared, con los pantaloncillos abajo y con un rollo de papel higiénico entre las nalgas.

Le pregunta asustado:

¿Quién lo asalto, por qué no pidió ayuda? ¿Quiere que llame a la policía?

El individuo se volteó y le contestó:

Cállese, !no ve que estoy recibiendo un fax!

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize hed lost his cigarettes.



In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.



No sense pulling up the entirefloor for one pack of smokes, he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.



As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. Here, she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. I found them in the hallway.



Now, she said, ifonly I could find my parakeet.

A man going down the highway is pulled over by a cop for speeding , the officer said can i see your license the man in the car says sorry i dont have my license i stole this car,then the officer said can i look in the trunk,the man replies no theres a dead body of a lady in there,the officer said theres a dead lady in the trunk?the man replies yes, the officer says what did u use to kill her? the man replies the gun in my glove capartment. The officer calls for backup and when it comes they check out the license plates of the mans car its his car, they check his glove capartment theres no gun,and they check the trunk and theres no body, the officer walks up to the man and the man replies so i betcha that lieing son of a b*tch told you i was speeding to?