Yo mama so poor that when she went she went to McDonalds she put a milkshake on layaway.
15
Dec
15
Dec
THE KIDDIE PICK…When youre by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, theres no time limit!
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK…When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH…When you make believe youve got an itch but youre really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT…You do it so furiously, and for so long, youre probably entitled to dessert.
SURPRISE PICKINGS…When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
AUTO PICK…The kind you do in a car, when no ones looking.
PICK YOUR BRAINS…Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE…When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they dont catch on to what you did.
PICK AND ROLL…No explanation needed.
PICK AND FLICK…Ditto.
PICK AND STICK…You wanted it to be a Pick and Flick, but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
PAY DIRT…The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
15
Dec
A man went to the doctor for his yearly physical, and afterwards the doctor sat him down and told him he needed to talk. He said I have bad news, and worse news – which one do you want to hear first?The patient says Well I guess give me the bad news first…Doctor replies, Youve got AIDS.Oh, no! What could be worse than that? asks the patient.Youve also got Alzheimers Disease.Looking relieved, the patient sits for a minute then says, Oh…Well, thats not so bad. At least I dont have AIDS.
14
Dec
Llega Pepito a la escuela con un ojo morado.
¿Qué te pasó?, le pregunta la maestra.
Es que en mi casa somos muy pobres y dormimos en la misma cama mi mami, mi papi, mi hermanito y yo; en la noche mi papi se subió en mi mami y decÃa: Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhh. Después me preguntó: ¿Hijo, estás dormido?, y yo le contesté: No, papi, y ¡zas! Feroz combo.
Esta noche quédate callado, le aconseja la maestra.
Al dÃa siguiente, Pepito llega con el otro ojo morado y enseguida, la maestra le pregunta:
¿Por qué no te quedaste callado?
Es que, mire, maestra, nosotros muy pero muy pobres y mi papi se le subió a mi mamá y decÃa: Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhha, y yo callado, maestra. Y luego más rápido: Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhh, y yo callado. Entonces mi papi le dijo a mi mamá: Vieja, me voy, me voy. Y yo le dije: Papi, llévame…, y ¡zas! Feroz combo.
Bueno, cuando tu papi le diga eso a tu mamá quédate callado.
Al dÃa siguiente, llega el niño con la mano rota y enyesada y otra vez le cuenta a la maestra:
Es que somos muy pero muy pobres y mi papi otra vez encima de mamá y yo callado. Mi papi decÃa: Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhh, y yo callado; entonces otra vez: Vieja, me voy, me voy, y yo callado, callado y, entonces, la cama se empezó a mover rapidito y mi hermanito, de rebote en rebote, se cayó de la cama y yo callado. En aquel momento, mi papi le dijo a mi mamá: Vieja ¿nos echamos el otro?, y yo le dije: No, papi, yo me bajo solito.
14
Dec
10) He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
9) He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He does not get lost all the time; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
7) He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
6) He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
5) He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
4) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
3) He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
2) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
1) He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
14
Dec
What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle whip!
14
Dec
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, Ill have a beer, and turns to the ostrich.
Whats yours?
Ill have a beer too says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, That will be $3.40 please, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, Ill have a beer, and the ostrich says, Ill have the same. Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. The usual? asks the bartender.
Well, its close to last call, so Ill have a large scotch, says the man.
Same for me, says the ostrich.
That will be $7.20 says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender cant hold back his curiosity any longer. Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?
Well, says the man, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.
Thats brilliant! says the bartender. Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!
Thats right! Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there, says the man.
The bartender asks, One other thing, sir, whats with the ostrich?
The man replies My second wish was for a chick with long legs.
14
Dec
It seems that Hillary has taken charge of hiring new interns for the White
House?
She currently is looking to see if Lorena Bobbitt is available….
14
Dec
Uno del Lepe le dice a otro:
– Pepe, a ti te gusta la pintura?
Y le responde:
– Si pero más de un litro me sienta mal.
Joke found on http://www.maschistes.com
14
Dec
From a Gore Vidal speech to the National Press Club carried on NPR:
I heard bad news on the way over here: the Ronald Reagan Presidential
Library was just destroyed by fire, and, tragically, both books were a
total loss. Worse yet, he wasnt finished coloring the second one.
Kent