Whats Really Going To Happen At The Year 2000:
99 Bottles of Beer song gets stuck in an infinite loop
At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0; the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
Internet Movie Database now lists 1901: A Space Odyssey.
Bob Doles age erroneously listed with only two digits.
Sales of Coca-Cola jump drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
Software engineers point out that since computers think its almost 1900, we technically have to party like its 1899 (which, frankly, doesnt seem like that much fun).
Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the Gatesian Calendar.
Jesus shows up late for His Second Coming; blames it on COBOL programmers.
Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe personnel shortage at McDonalds restaurants.
I finished the Oreos.Not to imply anything, but I dont think the kid weighs 40 pounds.Yknow, looking at her, youd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!I sure hope your thighs arent gonna stay that flabby forever!Well, couldnt they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl.Darned if you aint about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, thats gotta hurt.Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!Im jealous! Why cant men experience the joy of childbirth?Are your ankles supposed to look like that?Get your *own* ice cream.Geez, youre awfully puffy looking today.Got milk ?Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!You dont have the guts to pull that trigger…
What do the Pope and the Rams both appearing in the St. Louis Trans World Dome have in common?
They both feature 3 million people saying Jesus Christ!
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton
Adult Bookstore
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, …. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling! The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that farmer said?One little girl raised her hand and said,
I think he said: Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken! The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Saddam Hussain approached God and asked him When will peace return to my country ? God answered
You can never see peace in your country during your life timeSaddam wept bitterly and walked away.
Nawaz Sharif approached God
When can I see a united Pakistan (with Kashmir) ?God said
You can never annex Kashmir during your life timeSharif wept bitterly and walked away.
Next our Laloo Prasad Yadav approached God When will Bihar become a civilized state ?
God wept bitterly and said
I can never see that happening even during MY life time
You might be a redneck if…
Your house doesnt have curtains, but your truck does.
Johh Major, Tony Blair and Paddy Ashdown are all killed in a plane crash.
St. Peter welcomes them to the after life and shows down this seemingly infinetely long corridor with doors down both sides. Eventually they stop at a door behind which is a stone cell with only a stone furniture. For all the sins in your lifetime Paddy Ashdown says St. Peter this is your home for eternity. With that he pushes Paddy in and locks the door.
Further down the corridor is another room. Its all bare wooden furniture but there is some food on the table and access to the library. For all your sins Tony Blair, this is your room for eternity booms St. Peter locking the door.
Further, much further down the corridor St. Peter shows John Major into a room. Its pleasantly decorated, lots of food laid out and Cindy Crawford is there wearing hardly a thing. A smile (well the best attempt he can make) creeps over John Majors face.Then St. Peter says Cindy Crawford, for all the sins in your lifetime, this is your punishment.
A Fir Tree
In 1923, do you know who was:
President of the largest steel company?
President of the largest gas company?
President of the New York Stock Exchange?
Greatest wheat speculator?
President of the Bank of International Settlement?
Great Bear of Wall Street?
The winner of the US Open and PGA Tournaments?
These men were considered among the worlds most successful. At least they were at the peak of their money making careers. Now, more than 55 years later, do you know what became of them???
The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, became insane.
The President of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died a suicide.
Gene Sarazan, who won the US Open & PGA Tournaments in 1923, continued playing golf professionally and personally until his death on May 13, 1999, at the age of 97.
And The Moral of the Story is:
STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND PLAY GOLF.