Old and New Jokes

Marriage is an institution–but who wants to live in an institution?

What has four legs and smells like fish?

Clintons desk.

yo mama soooo fat she walked out side wit a yellow shirt on and someoan yelled TAXI TAXI.

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and youre going with the lowest bidder. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say crazy bread. Stutter on the letter p Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Dominos, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. Put the accent on the last syllable of pepperoni. Use the long i sound. Say its your anniversary and youd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. Ask to see a menu. Order two toppings, then say, No, theyll start fighting. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, I shall not be swayed by your sweet words. Start the conversation with My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action! Mumble, Theres a bomb under your seat. When asked to repeat that, say I said sauce smothered with meat. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say You just dont get it, do you? When they say Will that be all?, snicker and say Well find out, wont we? Dance all around the word pizza. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say Please dont mention that word. ***If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, Well the last guy let me do it.

A huge truck driver is sitting at a bar having a drink when this little pipsqueak of a guy walks in and asks who owns the pit bull outside.

The truck driver hollers Its MY dog! Whats it to you!

The little runt says, Nothing, but I think my dog just killed yours…

The truck driver jumps up and says WHAT! What kind of dog do you have anyway?

The other guy replies A toy poodle.

A poodle! the truck driver yells. How in the hell can a poodle kill a pit bull?!

Well, replied the little guy, I think he choked on it.

Benign…………….What you be after you be eight.

Artery…………….The study of paintings.

Bacteria…………..Back door to cafeteria.

Barium…………….What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section……A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan……………Searching for kitty.

Cauterize………….Made eye contact with her.

Colic……………..A sheep dog.

Coma………………A punctuation mark.

D & C……………..Where Washington is.

Dilate…………….To live long.

Enema……………..Not a friend.

Fester…………….Quicker than someone else.

Fibula…………….A small lie.

Genital……………Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series………..World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail…………..What you hang your coat on.

Impotent…………..Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain…………Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff………A Doctors cane.

Morbid…………….A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates…………..Cheaper than day rates.

Node………………Was aware of

Outpatient…. …….A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear….. …….A fatherhood test.

Pelvis…………….Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative……..A letter carrier.

Recovery Room………Place to do upholstery.

Rectum…………….Darn near killed him.

Secretion………….Hiding something.

Seizure……………Roman emperor.

Tablet…………….A small table.

Terminal Illness……Getting sick at the Bus Station

Tumor……………..More than one.

Urine……………..Opposite of youre out.

Varicose…………..Near by/close by.

Vein………………Conceited.

Why couldnt the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator? She couldnt find the 10 key.

Sign on a brake repair shop in Joliet, Illinois, We stand in front of our work.

Sign on a muffler shop in Santa Cruz, Were the Nobody that Midas brags about.

Why is the White House called the White House?

Answer: Sperm aint purple!

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.