This is the little-known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. Whats a commandment? they asked. Well, its like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, No way. That would ruin our weekends.So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, Whats a commandment? Well, said God, its like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL. The Assyrians immediately replied, No way. That would ruin our economy.So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, How much? God said, Theyre free. The Jews said, Great! Well take TEN!
14
Dec
14
Dec
Q: Whats the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
A: Ones a bike in a ditch, and the others…
14
Dec
Whats the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician.
14
Dec
Three AM comes around and Hillary tries to wake up Bill.Bill mumbles What?Hillary gives him another shake.Im sleeping. says Bill, and he falls back asleep.Finally Hillary pushes him out of bed. Bill gets up off the floor and says OK, Im up! What do you want?I have to go to the bathroom. says Hillary.You mean you woke me up at three in the morning just to tell me you had to go to the bathroom!?No, says Hillary, I just want you to save my spot
14
Dec
One day there was a little puppy dog laying beside one of the rails on a railroad track.
He fell asleep,and while he was sleeping his tail ended up on the rail, and by that time a train came along and cut off his tail,he look around to see what happen and the train cut off his head——
Do you know what the moral of the story is?
Dont lose your head over a little piece of tail !!
14
Dec
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"The man below says: "Yes, youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."You must be an engineer" says the balloonist."I am" replies the man. "How did you know.""Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but its no use to anyone."The man below says "you must be in management.""I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?""Well," says the man, "you dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault."
14
Dec
Special Report from Rooterz Newz Service, Palm Beach, CA
The recent tragic death of Sonny Bono and death of Michael Kennedy in
tree-related skiing accidents has conspiracy theorists abuzz.
The ominous parallels cant be denied:
William Kennedy died after skiing into a tree in Aspen, CO.
Sonny Bono died after skiing into a tree in Lake Tahoe, CA.
An Aspen is a kind of tree.
The word Tahoe is Native American for tree.
Bono was interviewed by MTV VJ Kennedy at the last Republican.
Kennedy had a secretary named Loni–which rhymes, sort of, with Sonny.
Kennedy was a socialist who thought everyone (but him) should just share.
Bono was once married to Cher.
Kennedy was born into an idolized family yet managed to disgrace himself.
After losing family and career in his divorce with Cher, a disgraced Bono managed to recreate himself honorably and rise to the position of idolized Mayor and then Congressman.
Kennedy was accused of molesting an underage girl.
Bono had a daughter named, ironically, Chastity.
These parallels have led some to suggest the so-called Single Tree Theory: the idea that in fact there werent two individual trees involved, but rather only one tree that committed both assassinations, alone. But the crucial causal linkage between the two killings remains elusive. Who would have a reason to target both of these men? The obvious answer is the powerful enforcement arm of the National Forest Service. Created in the early 50s, the NFS recently had its funding questioned by Bonos House Ways and Means Committee. So much for Bono. But what quarrel could the NFS have had with Kennedy, a friend of every government program known to man? When asked for a comment, National Forest Service spokesman Bob Woodward responded, I dont know what the heck youre talking about.
Indeed!
Thanx to Douglas V Taylor.
14
Dec
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
13
Dec
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The disturbance turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. Whats more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, Ill bet that youre also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.
The giant nodded.
If I had some chains, the deputy continued, you could show us how strong you really are. But all Ive got is a set of handcuffs. Why dont you see just how quickly you can break out of them?
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. I cant get out of these, the giant growled.
Are you sure? the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. Nope, he replied. I cant do it.
In that case, said the deputy, youre under arrest.
13
Dec
Dos gays se encuentran y uno le dice al otro:
Estoy aburrido, hay que jugar a algo.
El otro le responde:Juguemos a las espadas.
Entonces los dos se bajan los pantalones y con las vainas arriba empiezan a jugar.
Después de un rato uno se voltea, se agacha y le dice al otro:
Ya me aburrÃ, ¡mátame!