Theres this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, if I hear one more person confess to adultery, Ill quit! Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had fallen.
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town.When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen. The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, I dont know what youre laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week.
This is an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the US Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Two guys were out fishing in the ocean one day and not catching anything until one of the guys caught a strange looking fish. Ha Ha said the other guy, were out here to catch salmon and you come up with that ugly thing. No wait! the other guy says, This is much better, watch this. The guy unzips his pants and puts his penis in the fishes mouth. Then he pokes the fish in the eye, the fish goes crazy wiggling and squriming and then calms down. The guy pokes the fish in the eye again and the fish wiggles and squirms again to the guys delight. Finally the guy takes the fish off his pecker and says to his friend, you want to try this? His friend looks at the fish then at him and says well OK if you promise not to poke me in the eye.
The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site
9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayors office are named either Ingrid or Sven.
7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldnt think the term New York City Hospitality Committee is an oxymoron.
5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition.
3. Miss Salt Lake for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.
2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.
and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site…
1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.
This list is copyrighted by Chris White.
Dont look at me in that tone of voice!
Santa Claus Is Wearing A Gown
(sung to Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)
You better come out,
you better not cry,
You better not pout,
Im telling you why
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
Hes making the switch,
Hes leaving his wife,
Hes gonna come out, to start a new life
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
A secret hes been keeping,
Its made him awful tense.
He knows it will be better now,
When he comes down off that fence.
So you better come out,
You better not cry, you better not pout,
Im telling you why.
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. Youre just
like Moishe.
Passenger: Who?
Cabbie: C. Theres a guy who did everything right. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to
Moishe every single time.
Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody.
Cabbie: Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the
pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something, huh?
Cabbie: He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybodys
birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole neighborhood blacks out.
Passenger. Wow, some guy ehh?
Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams, not like me.
Passenger: Mmm, not many like that around
Cabbie: And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and
never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: Well, I never actually met Moishe.
Passenger: Then how do you know so much about him?
Cabbie: I married his widow.
– You lose arguments with inanimate objects
-Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
-Your career wont progress beyond senator from Massachusetts.
-You sincerely belive alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group
-That damned pink elephant followed you home again
-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
-Every woman you see has an exact twin
-You discover in the morning that you liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.
-Five beers have just as many calories as a burger, so you skip dinner
-The glass keeps missing your mouth.
-When you go to donate blood, they ask what proof it is
-Mosquitoes and vampires catch a buzz after bitting you
-You believe your only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
-Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer
-You wake up in the bedroom still clothed, but your underwear is in the bathroom
-Even rednecks have stopped doing jokes about your drinking
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the
high glucose levels found in semen. A young female
freshman raised her hand and asked If I understand,
youre saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen?
Thats correct, responded the professor, going on to
add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, Then why doesnt
it taste sweet? After a stunned silence, the whole class
burst out laughing.
The poor girls face turned bright red; she picked up her
books without a word and walked out of class never to return.
As she was going out the door, the totally straight-faced
professor answered her question:
It doesnt taste sweet because the taste-buds
for sweetness are on the TIP of your tongue!
Honor
Two Japanese businessmen were talking during their dip in the hot baths
at the geisha house.
Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you.
Upset, Hirokosan asked for more information.
More, she is dishonoring you with a foreigner who is of the Jewish faith.
Shocked, Hirokosan went home to confront his wife. I am told you are
dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith.
That is a lie! she replied, outraged. Where did you hear such mishegass?