The blind date hadnt been all that great and she was happy the nite was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said Hey! You wantta see my underwear?
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasnt wearing any.
She glanced down and said, Nice pattern. But does it also come in mens sizes?
Get him laid. Thats what he really needs. He will stop paying attention to you and pay attention to someone else.
Use the direct approach. When he comes in, say, Im doing homework now. Can I talk to you later?. If thats too polite, say Go away now. Im doing homework.
Use the bad cat approach. Purchase a high-powered squirt gun. Whenever he does something like that, say Im doing my homework. Anyone interrupting me will be wet. Then, blast away. Hes been warned. Ive discovered that this is an excellent way to keep my cat from scratching the furniture. I yelled at him and moved him until I realized that he was doing it for attention. After I squirted him three different times, he stopped permanently. Use a squirt bottle if the gun is too silly.
Buy a monster stereo and some tapes of the Sex Pistols, the Misfits, the BeeGees, and Barry Manilow. Turn it on and play it really loud when you dont want to be interrupted.
Set a small bear trap near the door. Cover it with a towel.
A new bellringer was needed for Notre Dame Cathedral to replace Quasimoto, the hunchback. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. You have no arms! No matter, said the man, Observe! He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop ran down the long series of steps to the bottom of the cathedral, then rushed out to the mans side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, Bishop, who was this man? I dont know his name, the bishop sadly replied, but his face rings a bell. But wait…theres more!
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now theres a trivia word for you!), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty. The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless mans brother stooped to pick up a mallet and began to create the most wonderful sounds to be heard. When he had finished, he turned to the bishop, groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishops cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. What has happened? the first asked breathlessly, Who is this man? I dont know his name, sighed the distraught bishop, but hes a dead ringer for his brother!
A fish hit its head on a cement wall.
"Dam."
Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH
I dont think I should have to answer that question.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.
RALPH NADER
The chickens habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by
unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels
of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the farmers market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a
certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isnt it obvious? Cant you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other
side. Thats what they call it -the other side. Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say
we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isnt that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken
tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it suffered a
serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of
crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death
its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken please?
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Did you here about the lucky fisherman??
He married a girl with WORMS.
Your mama is so poor that when I walked in your backyard and stepped on a cochroach, she said, Thanks for killing dinner.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, How many children do you have?
Ten, she replied.
What are their names? he asked.
David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David, she answered.
Theyre all named David? he asked What if you want them to come in from playing outside?
Oh, thats easy, she said. I just call David, and they all come running in.
And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?
I just say, David, come eat your dinner, she answered.
But what if you just want ONE of them to do something? he asked.
Oh, thats easy, she said. I just use their last name!