El juez se dirige al condenado:
Se le acusa de haber ahorcado a su madre; decapitado a su padre; descuartizado a sus hermanos; incinerado a su tÃa y haber envenenado al gato… ¿Acaso usted no calculó el daño que estaba haciendo?
¡No, señorÃa, yo siempre fui tan malo para las matemáticas!, contesta quejumbroso el delincuente.
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
Oh my goodness, I am sooo sorry, the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!
You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
No, she replies………
You just happened to catch my eye.
Stop repeat offenders. Dont re-elect them!
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Taxation WITH representation isnt so hot, either!
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?
Her mother replied, Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said:
You must have really pissed off Grandma.
Drive defensively — buy a tank.
A sneaky thief stole all the lavatory fixtures from the local police station.
A police spokesman later reported that they have absolutely nothing to go on.
Q – What should you do when you see ex-husband rolling
around in pain on the ground?
A – Shoot him again.Q – Why do little boys whine?
A – Theyre practicing to be men.Q – How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A -Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.Q – What do you call a handcuffed man?
A – Trustworthy.Q – What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A – You didnt hold the pillow down long enough.Q – Whats the best way to kill a man?
A – Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose just one.Q – What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A – They either cling, run, or dont fit right in the crotch.
This woman goes into a dentists office, after he is through examining her he says: I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.
The woman then says: Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful Id rather have a baby!
To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind lady, Ill have to adjust the chair!
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensigns efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way!
You might be a redneck if…
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.