Old and New Jokes

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesnt know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: Thats me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: Ill be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You dont know what it was, and you didnt know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, Your Honor, Id like to strike the next question.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Marys Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

There was a blonde, sitting in a rowboat, out in the middle of a huge field. She kept screaming HELP.

Another blonde happen to be driving by in her car and heard the first blonde yelling for help, so she pulled over to the side of the road to see what was wrong.

She yelled to the blonde sitting in the boat and asked her what was wrong.

The blonde in the boat replied, I lost the oars and dont know how to get out of here. Can you help me?

The second blonde replied, I would but I cant swim!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Don Giovanni!
Don Giovanni who?
Don Giovanni talk to me!

JUST FAUX FUN

Can you loan me faux dollars ?

What faux ?

To buy faux diamonds.

What do you need with faux diamonds ?

I have sixteen, but I need faux more.

Okay, why do you need twenty faux diamonds ?

No, just twenty, not twenty-faux .

You CANT be faux real ! Besides, I dont have faux dollars.

Thanks faux nothing !

Why do you REALLY need faux dollars ?

Well, its faux pas.

And why does pas need faux dollars ?

Cause Ma SPENT all of his !

A young woman goes into the doctors office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red H on her chest. How did you get that mark on your chest? asks the doctor. Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and hes so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love, she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue Y on her chest. How did you get that mark on your chest? asks the doctor. Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and hes so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love, she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green M on her chest. Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan? asks the doctor.

No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?

You might be a redneck if…
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why dont you guys take a look at it and give me a bid? So to the back fence they all went.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, $2,700.
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, You didnt even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?
Easy, he said. $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.

Yo mama so ugly, it takes her a half hour to walk a block — cause she stops at all the hydrants!

In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the companys ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, Mwana Ndeti, a member of Zaires Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti, who spent twenty minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.

I could not crush the nut by myself, said the forty-seven-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. With IBMs help, I was able to break it.

Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a smashing utensil.

IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs, said Herbert Ross, IBMs director of marketing. Whether youre a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australias Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today.

According to Ndeti, of the modems many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone.

I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem, Ndeti said. The modem did not break. It is a good modem.

Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.

This is a good computer, said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computers flat, sharp internal processing device. I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard. Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computers two hundred-page owners manual.

IBM spokespeople praised Ndetis choice of computers. We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs, said company CEO William Allaire. From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village.

The Wombat

Tasmania
Failure Requires No Preperation The Sandman.

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

How romantic! she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.

Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.

Almost ready! he vowed. Sorry it took me so long – I had to refill the pepper shaker.

Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?

Moren an hour, I reckon. Wasnt easy stuffin it through those dumb little holes.