Old and New Jokes

Government should be run like a business. Weve all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobodys favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).

The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsofts example and actually ship them the following May.
Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.
In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other countrys intellectual property.
When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.
When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous years form.
Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported.
The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsofts, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.
After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.
The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.
Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for-profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.
The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denvers old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.

The agent replied, Im sorry sir. Ill be happy to try to help you, but Ive got to help these folks first, and Im sure well be able to work something out.

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, Do you have any idea who I am?

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. May I have your attention please? she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, Fuck you!

Without flinching, she smiled and said, Im sorry, sir, but youll have to stand in line for that, too.

The crowd applauded – and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.

A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight. Can I help you? he asked.

Replied the blonde, I dropped my diamond ring and Im looking for it.

Asked the cop did you drop it right here?

No, she responded, I dropped it about a block away, but the lights better here.

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, Boy, Im in deep trouble now. Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

Whew, says the leopard. That was close. That dog nearly had me.

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, Here monkey, hop on my back and see whats going to happen to that conniving canine.

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, What am I going to do now?

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasnt seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, Wheres that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and hes still not back!!

ftom a Crazie Site, http://crazie.net/

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis? Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, the priest replied. Imagine that, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? I dont have arthritis, Father, the drunk said, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bella!
Bella who?
Bella bottom trousers!

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so hes going to live with us just like one of the family.

Hell eat at the same table with us. Hell even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.

But what about the smell? the friend asked.

Oh, hell just have to get used to it, the same way I did.

Se realiza anualmente una convención mundial de ecos y en una ronda estaban un chino, un brasilero y un cordobés. Entonces el chino comenta:

Allá en China hay una cueva en la que gritas ¡VIVA CHINA! y como 500 voces te responden ¡VIVA CHINA!

Luego dice el brasilero:

En Brasil hay una cueva en la que gritas ¡VIVA BRASIL! y como 1000 voces te responden ¡VIVA BRASIL!

Y ahí salta el cordobés y dice:

Allá en Córdoba hay una grutita chiquita en la que vos gritas ¡VIVA CORDOBA! y como 50 voces te responden ¡DEJA CULIAR TRANQUILO!

A man named Fred owned a parrot that hardly ever stoped talking. One day the man was going to have an old friend over so he told the parrot to be quiet or else he would flush him. The parrot kept talking and the man warned him again. It didnt work. The parrot kept right on talking. The man took the parrot and flushed him down the toilet. When Freds friend arived he asked if he could use the bathroom. Fred said sure it is the first door on the right. When the man comes out he asks Fred if he has a tape player in the bathroom. Fred says no and than asks why. The man tells Fred that he heard something say I see your heini, looks so shiny. So Fred and his friend go in there and Fred sees his parrot going in circles singing Floatin Down The River On A Big Brown Log

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

Do you realize what time it is? she asked.



He answered, Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house.



Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, What did you buy for the house, dear?



His answer was, A round of drinks!