Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: All thirty. Well, actually its only one, but he has to wait at least half an hour while the others read out all the announcements.
12
May
12
May
Bill Clinton was out jogging one morning, when he came to an apartment complex.
Sitting outside on the steps was a cute little girl with a big box.
As Bill jogged closer, he could see that the box was full of adorable puppies.
He went to the little girl and said Awww…those are the cutest puppies
The little girl said These arent puppies. I call them Democrats.
Bill thought this was really sweet and said Well, thats so sweet!
A few days later, Hillary was jogging with Bill when they came to the same building with the little girl outside.
The girl was still there with the box. Bill nudged Hillary and said Watch this.
He asked the little girl, What have you got there? Puppies?
The little girl shook her head and said No, not puppies, I call them Republicans.
Bill was shocked. He said But I thought you said they were Democrats???
The little girl said Well, they were…but now theyve got their eyes open!!
12
May
Una viejecita vivìa sola con un loro antichavista, que pasaba todo el dìa gritando: Muera Chavez.
Un dÃa los cÃrculos bolivarianos que vivian en la misma vecindad fueron a hacerle un reclamo a la viejita para que callara al loro. Esta, preocupada habló con el loro:
Lorito,mijo, cállate la boca, deja de meterte con el gobierno que nos van a joder duro, cállate la boca. Pero el loro nada que le paraba bolas a la vieja, y seguÃa: Que muera Chávez.
La viejita fue a hablar con el cura del pueblo para explicarle la situación, a ver si podÃa ayudarla, y el cura le dijo: A ver, hija: Lo que podemos hacer es meterlo en la misma jaula de mi loro, que se sabe de memoria la Misa, el Santo Rosario y muchas otras oraciones, para ver si asà se le olvida el asunto y aprende a rezar. Asà fue…
Al cabo de 15 dias, la viejita preocupada, va de nuevo a visitar al cura a ver los resultados, y le pregunta: Padre, que pasó con el lorito? Entonces el cura la mira con suma preocupación y le dice:
Yo creo que la cosa se puso peor, hija mÃa, porque cuando tu loro dice Muera Chávez el mÃo responde Te lo pedimos, Señor…
12
May
Una señora decide darle una sorpresa a su marido y le espera en la cama a oscuras y con un tanga fosforescente minúsculo que apenas le tapa la raja.
Entra el marido en la habitación y se pone a gritar:
¡MarÃa, MarÃa, tienes una luciérnaga en el coño!
12
May
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I dont do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesnt do it, hes too busy.
When I do it without being told, Im trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, thats brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, thats co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
12
May
The only culture many children are exposed to.
12
May
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?
The pharmacist said Just a minute, Ill go talk to my sister.
When she returned, she said, the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.
12
May
__MacDonalds Soliloquy__
or, Parody after Macbeth
Gregory Lam
Feb. 5/96
Is this a burger which I see before me,
The soft bun in my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I eat thee not, and yet I want thee still.
Art thou not, gourmets vision, sensible
To taste as to sight? or art thou but
A burger of the mind, a false dinner,
Proceeding from the meat-oppressed stomach?
I see thee yet, in form as palatable
As this cracker which now I chew.
Thou nourishst me on the way that I was going,
And such condiments I was to use!
Mine mouth are made the fools o the other senses,
The calories worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy plate and Happy Meals of fat,
Which was not so before. Theres no such food:
It is the bloody diet which informs
Thus to mine eyes. Now oer the Weight Watchers
Tastebuds seem dead, and raw salads abuse
The growling bowels; famished celebrate
Jenny Craigs offerings, and witherd hunger,
Alarumd by his sentinel, the bathroom scale,
Laughs as it watches, thus with his mocking numbers.
With Hamburglars ravishing strides, towards his goal
I move like a ghost. Thou warm and delicious beef,
Hear not my teeth, which way they chew, for fear
My very swallows prate of my gluttony,
And take the present mirror from the room,
When now suits do not fit. Whiles I starve, he lives:
Buffets to the heat of charbroiled chicken gives.
[A bell rings.]
I go, and it is done; the microwave bell invites me.
Hear it not, Tongue; for it is a knell
That summons thy mouth to heaven and thy body to hell.
[Exeunt.]
12
May
In our image processing lab we recently had a chance to
digitize and then re-view some of the Presidential campaign
speeches. Of particular interest was George Bushs famous
Read my lips, No New Taxes speech.
We hired a speech specialist and showed the tape to her over and
over several times. Not only was the tape played back slowly,
but we performed a zoom operation on the (now) Presidents face. As
she read his face for clues, it became painfully obvious to her that
George Bush was saying–Read my lips, No Nude Taxes.
With this subjective information, we called the White House
for an explanation. Reluctantly the White House Staff admitted that
yes, that was correct–The President planned to clothe new taxes
as user fees.
11
May
Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her