Una señora se va a operar de las tetas. Cuando la operacion termina ella dice:
Señor, pero no tengo nada. Estoy peor que antes.
Lo que pasa es que usted tiene que agitar los brazos y se le inflarán, le responde el doctor, mientras le mueve los brazos como una gallina.
DÃas después la señora iba por la calle y se encuentra a un hombre bien parecido y le dice:
¿Quiere venir a tomar un café lo dice agitando los brazos.
Por supuesto, le contesta el hombre, moviendo las piernas como loco.
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
Theres no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich mans sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pizza!
Pizza who?
Pizza the pie!
One who doesnt move her lips when she reads.
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him."Ive figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."
Knock Knock!
Whos there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Knock Knock!
Whos there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Knock Knock!
Whos there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Knock Knock!
Whos there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didnt say Banana!
A – Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
B – BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
C – COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
D – DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
E – EMPTY NEST: See WISHFUL THINKING.
F – FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
G – GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
H – HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
I – INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
J – JUNK: Dads stuff.
K – KISS: Moms medicine.
L – LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.
M – MAYBE: No.
N – Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look like a tramp.
O – OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Moms nickname for Dad.
P – PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Q – QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
R – REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
S – SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
T – TOWELS: See FLOOR COVERINGS.
U – UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
V – VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
W – WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
X – XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kids lunch box even more mortifying.
Y – YIPPEE!: What mothers shout the first day of school.
Z – ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.
Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! Hes going to really be ticked if its not ready on time.
When she gets home, she realizes she doesnt have enough time to go to the supermarket,and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner.
To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. Youre going to kill him! they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died .
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?
The wife stoically replied, I didnt kill him! He fell off the mantel while he was licking himself.
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed
with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of
fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the
garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it
tightly and removed the handle.Next she picked up a hacksaw.The husband terrified, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not
going to cut it off are you?The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, Nope.
You are. Im going to set the garage on fire.
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth.