Old and New Jokes

Después de efectuado el despegue, el piloto del avión se dirige a los pasajeros por el altavoz:

Estimados pasajeros: Bienvenidos al vuelo 888 con destino a la ciudad de París, nuestro tiempo estimado de vuelo es de 14 horas con 50 minutos, les recordamos que este es un vuelo de no fumar, por favor mantengan sus cinturones abrochados… etc.

Al terminar el rollo de siempre, olvida apagar el micrófono y empieza a decirle a su copiloto:

¡Ahora sí, cabrón, nada más pongo el piloto automático, me echo un cague, y luego me cojo a la azafata!

Al notar que todos los pasajeros escuchan el comentario, la azafata sale corriendo para avisarle al capitán que apague el micrófono, cuando una anciana sentada junto al pasillo le pone tremendo bastonazo y la tumba al suelo. La aeromoza, desconcertada, voltea a ver a la viejita, quien le advierte:

¡Quieta, piruja! Primero déjalo que cague.

1. If I like it, its mine.

2. If its in my mouth, its mine.

3. If I can take it from you, its mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, its mine.

5. If Im chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.

8. If I saw it first, its mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, its yours.

You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

In Jerusalem, an English female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!

She watches the bearded old man at prayer–and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

Im Jane Collins from the BBC, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying? For about 50 years, he informs her.

50 years! Thats amazing! What do you pray for?

I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.

And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?

Like Im talking to a brick wall.

Doctor, said the patient, I had a peculiar dream last night. I dreamed you were my mother.

So? said the psychiatrist. What happened?

Nothing – I woke up

And then?

I had breakfast

And what did you have for breakfast?

Oh, just a piece of toast and a cup of coffee

Call that a breakfast? said the psyciatrist.

A pipe burst in a doctors house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $

600.

The doctor exclaimed, This is ridiculous! I dont even make that much as a doctor!.

The plumber waited for him to finish and then replied… Neither did I when I was a doctor!

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers
capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two
neckties on Chanuka.

The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was
wearing, put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried
back. Look, Mama! Isnt it gorgeous?

Mama asked, Whats the matter? You dont like the other one?

from Hooray For Yiddish by Leo Rosten

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist named Jon complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.Not very long, answered the Mexican.

But then, why didnt you stay out longer and catch more? asked Jon.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

Mr. Berg asked, But what do you do with the rest of your time?

I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and fuck the shit out of my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, get a quick blowjob and sing a few songs. I have a full life.

Our intrepid Mr. Berg interrupted, I have a M.BA. from Stanford and I can help you.You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.

How long would that take? asked the Mexican.

Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years, replied Jon.

And after that?

Afterwards? Thats when it gets really interesting, answered Jon, laughing. When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!

Millions? Really? And after that?

After that youll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, fuck the shit out of your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!

Una mujer estaba conversando con su vecina: Hoy me siento realmente bien. Comencé el día con un acto de generosidad. Le dí un billete de 100 a un vago.

¿Le diste un billete de 100 a un vago? Eso es mucho dinero para regalarlo. ¿Qué dijo tu esposo al respecto?

Oh, él estaba encantado. Lo único que dijo fue Gracias.