Old and New Jokes

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a
sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to
the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet
him, the minister said, Throwing wide his arms, the father said… at
which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered YOURE
GROUNDED!

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.
Well, answered the Priest, thats no sin.
But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.
I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.
Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.
what is it, son?
Do I have to tell him the war is over?

Q: What do u have when their is a lawyer up to his neck in cement?

A: not enough cement

Q: Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: Ones a gross dirty slimy scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and ones a fish…

WOMEN WITH BIG BREASTS:

can get a taxi on the worst days
have a neat place to carry spare change
have always been the center of the arts
make jogging a spectator sport
can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
have more negotiating power
usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
can always carry a little extra
always float better
know where to look first for lost earrings
rarely lack for a slow dance partner
have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

WOMEN WITH LITTLE BREASTS:

dont cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
always look younger
find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
can always see their toes and shoes
can sleep on their stomachs
have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
know that everything more than a handful is wasted
can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

Three men were walking down a street and found a bottle laying on the side of the road. They picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, You will each get one wish. The first man wished he was 20 times smarter. The genie made him 20 times smarter. The second man wished he was 30 times smarter. The genie made him 30 times smarter. The last man wished he was 60 times smarter. The genie turned him into a woman.

A business man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a
double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks
inside his shirt pocket, then asks the bartender to prepare another
double martini.

After he finishes the second one, he again peeks inside his shirt
pocket, and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The same pattern is repeated a few rounds; the business man drinks a
double martini on the rocks, peeks inside his shirt pocket, and orders
another one.

Finally, the bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring you martinis all
night long, no problem with that. But you just gotta tell me why you
look inside your shirt pocket every time before you order a refill!

The man replies, Oh, Im just peeking at a photo of my wife. When she
starts to look good, then I know its time for me to go home.

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, Give it to me straight. How long have I got? The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, Call for my lawyer. When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought Id check out the same way.

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant, said Edna to Priscilla.

But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy, Priscilla responded.

He did. Thats why I have to take every precaution.

You might be a redneck if you let your 12 year old daughter smokes at the dinner table in front of her kids.

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now Im afraid to pee.