Old and New Jokes

So, there are these two pirates talking in this bar. Ones got a wooden leg and a hook and even a patch too. The other ones just got the pirate clothes. So the second pirate says to the first, howd ya get that wooden leg mate?.

The first reply’s arrr, it done got bit off bye a varmint shark.

The second pirate is of course impressed, aye, dats really a pirate ting to have happen. Howd ya get dat metal hook?

The first reply’s lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand!.

Aye, dats really a pirate ting to have happen says the second pirate, again impressed.

Howd ya get dat patch on your eye?.

Well I was up in the crows nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull says the pirates pirate, and the damn ting shit right in me eye. In disbelief the second pirate says

Well, howd dat make ya blind?

The first pirate replied: Arr…first day wit me ook.

Southern Bumper Stickers…

=> The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. => I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. => Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them. => I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. => WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. => Youre just jealous because the voices only talk to me. => BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore. => I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. => So youre a feminist…Isnt that cute! => Im just driving this way to piss you off. => Keep honking, Im reloading. => As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. => I took an IQ test and the results were negative. => Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. => Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not going to.. To.. Cut it off, are you???!?



The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, Nope. You are. *Im* going to set the garage on fire.

It is with the saddest heart i pass on the following:Please join me in remembering a great icon – the veteran Pillbury spokesman. The Pillsbury doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.





Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess twinkies,



and Captain Crunch.





The gravesite was piled high with flours.As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.





Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on halfbaked schemes. Despite being being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millons.





Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart. Doughboyis surved by his wife, Play Dough; two chidren,



John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.





The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty.

Did you hear that the library at Georgia State burned down? It was terrible, both books burned and they werent even colored in!

A: Because its too far to walk.

Money cant buy you happiness, but it can take you a long way
from misery.

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmothers house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

Johnny, wait until we say our prayer, his mother reminded him.

I dont have to, the little boy replied.

Of course you do, his mother insisted, we say a prayer before eating at our house.

Thats at our house, Johnny explained, but this is Grandmas house and she knows how to cook!

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They dont even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldnt be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that theyve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! ITS A WONDER WE HAVENT ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS…. Im sorry… what did you ask me?

A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from
a shopping spree, was walking down the street
when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.

The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled.
The woman snaps at him, Well, I can see that youre
no gentleman!

The hillbilly says, And I can see you aint one, neither!