Old and New Jokes

Q:why do the people have heart Attacks?

A:Because they saw your face

Brookes Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

What do Monica and Bill Clinon have most in common?

Theyre both going down.

Death is Natures way of saying slow down.

El avión donde viajan dos frailes franciscanos sufre una falla y se lanzan por el paracaidas. A uno de ellos no le da tiempo de ponerse los chones y se lanza solo con su hábito y se dirige hacia un convento de madres capuchinas; una de ellas mira al cielo y ve que algo viene cayendo al convento y se dirige a la madre superiora:

¡Madre un angelo, un angelo!

¡Y vola!

¡Si, duo bola madre, duo bola!

An englishman walked into a bar and asked for a pint of guiness.

An irishman walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of strongbow.

A scotsman walked into a bar. BANG! it was an iron bar..

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they dont know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.The doctor says to the woman, I know what well do. After Ive operated on the priest, Ill give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.Do you think it will work? she asks the doctor.Its worth a try, he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, Father, youre not going to believe this.What? says the priest. What happened?You gave birth to a child.But thats impossible!I just did the operation, insists the doctor. Its a miracle! Heres your baby.About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, Son, I have something to tell you. Im not your father.The son says, What do you mean, youre not my father?The priest replies, Im your mother. The archbishop is your father.

Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, What kind of man are you attracted to?

Ive always been drawn to Native American men, she replied. Theyre in harmony with nature.

I see, said the man, nodding.

But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect.

Please allow me to introduce myself, said the man.

My name is Tecumseh Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba.

Are you ready to leave? – Definition of the word yes
Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly, Honey, do I look fat?)
Elementary Map Reading
Crying and law enforcement
Advanced Math Seminar – Program your VCR
You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast
The Seven-Outfit Week
PMS – Its YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: Its Happened Monthly Since Puberty – Deal With It)
Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving – Its As Simple As Oil and Water
The Super Bowl: Not a Game – A Sacrament
Telephone Translations (was: Me Too equals I Love You)
How to Earn Your Own Money
Gift-giving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
Beyond Clean and Dirty: The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LETS LET IT DROP
MYOB: Proper response to other couples public arguments
Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the embarrassment)
Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
What Goes Around Comes Around – Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
Commitment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
To Honor and Obey: Remembering the small print above I Do
Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?

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