Old and New Jokes

Why are the first three letters of diet DIE? No wonder this diet is killing me.

If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that make a paradox?

If you have two dimes, is that a new paradigm?

If you have two different viewpoints simultaneously is that a parasites?

If you hire two lawyers, does that mean that both lawyers could be replaced by one paralegal?

If you shoot two deer in one day is that called a parachute?

If you are lax about something, and then are lax about it again is that called a relax?

Do two normal people make one paranormal?

When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to strain twice?

If you are a complete pessimist, does this mean you are positively negative?

When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he is reversing himself?

When Bach or Beethoven erased a manuscript to make changes, were they decomposing?

Are two dice a paradise?

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

Thats the most amazing thing Ive seen, I said. That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.

The man turned to me and said, Yeah, it is. He hated the book.

Yo mamam like a brick flat, dirty, and always gets laid by mexicans.

Eclipse e-klips: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row !!
Blonde: Thats nothing; last night I had over hundred.

Brunette: My god ! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: (looking shocked) oh, you meant with one guy. . .

Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. Its too crowded.

Sex is a misdemeanor…

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money…Man was all screwed up after that.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.

Her phone rings and its her husband, Hi hun,he says how do you like your new phone?, she replies: I just love, its so small and your voice is clear as a bell but theres one thing I dont understand though.

Whats that, baby? asks the husband.

How did you know I was at Wal Mart?

Beer nuts are $1, and deer nuts are always under a buck.