Old and New Jokes

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’

A traveling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down.
He goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone.

The farmer tells him, We aint got a phone, but Im headin into town
tomorrow an you kin spend the night here. O course youll have to sleep
in the same bed as my three sons, here.

And the salesman says, Wait a minute. Im in the wrong joke.

Q: What does a man with a ten-inch dick have for breakfast?

A: Well, this morning I had bacon, eggs, juice…

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, This is for Purdue! as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, This is for Northwestern! Seeing this, the Buckeye walked over and shouted, This is for everyone!!! and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.

The wonderfully dangerous sport of WINNEBAGO SURFING was invented
by rock climbers in a national park in Western U.S. The surfer
lurks in an overhanging tree, rock, output port of tunnel, etc.,
and hops a ride on the top of a slow-moving motorhome driven by a
tourist. He waves at passing motorists, jumps up and down noisily
on the roof, or hangs upside-down over the windshield and makes
faces at the driver (while anchored securely with climbing
equipment, since the mark invariably hits the brakes)! Ideally,
the surfer catches another tree or pre-rigged rope and disappears
vertically before the mark can dismount to investigate
(camouflage clothing is useful here). An informant in the
National Park Service says that the Department of the Interior
ordered the NPS to deal harshly with Winnebago Surfers, and to
suppress all mention of Winnebago Surfing in internal newsletters
and publications, lest the practice become widespread.

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation.""Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again."What was that for?" he complained."Your dog called last night."

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors dont?

Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

Llega un rico medio menso y muy prepotente a un hotel.

Sígame señor, le dice el botones.

El botones abre una puerta y mete el equipaje. Entonces, el rico protesta:

Este cuarto está muy pequeño, ¡que venga el gerente!

Y el botones dice:

Cálmese señor. ¡Este es sólo el elevador!