Old and New Jokes

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the womans face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldnt graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the womans new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.

My darling, he replied, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Érase una vez en la selva, que el leopardo se estaba afilando las uñas y pasa el elefante y le pregunta:

“¿Qué estás haciendo, leopardo?”

“Es que le voy a partir el hocico al león”.

El paquidermo, asustado, se va corriendo. Después, pasa el chango:

“¿Qué estás haciendo?”

“Es que le voy a partir la madre al león”.

“Mejor me voy”, dice asustado el mono.

Luego, pasa un pájaro y lo mismo:

“¿Qué haces?”

“Es que voy a partir en pedazos al león”.

En eso, pasa el león:

“¿Qué haces, leopardo?”

“Nada, aquí con mis puterías”.

Una anciana va a la penitenciaría el día de visita y dice:

Vengo a la visita conyugal.

¡¿Usted?! ¿Pero con quién?, pregunta asombrado el oficial.

No importa. Con quien sea, usted páseme.

Un paisano va a un campo de fútbol y observa que todos los espectadores llevan una escopeta. Intrigado, le pregunta a uno que por qué la llevan y éste le contesta que cuando el equipo local marca un gol, todos disparan al cielo para celebrarlo.

¿Y cuando marcan los visitantes?

Eso no ha pasado aquí nunca, contesta secamente el hombre.

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. In the last 15 races, Ive won 8 of them!



Another horse breaks in, Well in the last 27 races, Ive won 19!!



Oh thats good, but in the last 36 races, Ive won 28!, says another, flicking his tail.



At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. I dont mean to boast, says the greyhound, but in my last 90 races, Ive won 88 of them!



The horses are clearly amazed. Wow! says one, after a hushed silence. A talking dog.

Group that complains of bad business when all
passengers get a seat.

What do you call ten Italian women together in a steam bath?

Gorillas in the mist.

Dress her up as an alter boy!

William Bennett recalls when one of his radical students at Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married for as long as we feel good about each other.

It seemed rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says, I gave them paper plates.