Old and New Jokes

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

Whats the state flower of West Virginia? A satellite dish.

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out. You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! Ill beat the shit out of you…

The man begins crying. Im sorry! Its ruining my life. I cant sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! Its worrying me to death, please dont hit me…

The bar tender takes pity. Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,heres his card, why dont you see him?

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous…

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says, Okay, here you go… Wait! Werent you that guy who..

Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured.

Well, thats great. This beer is on the house.

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!

I am! It doesnt bother me anymore…

I just received this from my broker. I dont normally pass on stock tips, but thought this explosive situation might prove to be another Enron.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks. American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Co., Northern Tissue Co. Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean!

(Well, since there seems to be a plethora of Soviet jokes anyway…
This one was told to me by a Russian.)

It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine
whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the
designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each
was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed.
The leaders shook hands.

Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:

Private Jones! Front and center.

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks,
facing his commander.

Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff.

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

Private Jones! Jump!

Jones just stood there, unmoving.

Private Jones! I said jump!

The mans knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.

Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!
Private Jones wailed out: I cant! I have a wife–and a family!

The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan
backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachevs turn.

Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center.

Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the
ranks, facing his commander.

Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff.

Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!

Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.

By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag
some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured,
but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.

As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist
asking him:

Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?

Dmitrivich answered: I had to! I have a wife–and a family!

Kyle S. Adler
BBN Communications Corporation, Cambridge MA

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, Mommy, you are getting fat!
I replied, Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.
I know, she replied, but whats growing in your butt?

If God wanted Noah to build an ark in America today, it might go something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. OK, said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

Six months, and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. Noah, shouted the Lord, where is my Ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldnt let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now Im still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians Im supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming Im trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really dont think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. You mean youre not going to destroy the
earth? Noah asked, hopefully.

No, said the Lord sadly, Government already has.

Are you a Redneck? This is by Comedian Jeff Foxworthy, excerpted from
his book You Might Be a Redneck if… Published by Longstreet Press
Marietta, Ga.

You might be a Redneck if…

Your richest relative buys a new house, and you have to help take the
wheels off of it.
Your wifes hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Directions to your house include turn off the paved road.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
Your family tree does not fork.

Whats the best thing about having Alzheimers Disease?

1: You can hide your own Easter eggs. 2: You are always meeting new people. 3: You never have to watch reruns on television.