Old and New Jokes

In the year 2020, will everybody have perfect vision?

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, people ask whether the two fish
were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch em.

The pastor says, Id like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering. Then
five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because It aint never been in a hole it couldnt get out of.

The choir is known as the OK Chorale.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the
church directory.

Baptism is referred to as branding.

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isnt just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think rapture is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy
Bobs Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a 56 Chevy.

The pastor has fewer teeth than Leon Spinks!

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wifes golf ball … stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake.

What did you do? asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey honey, this looks like yours!

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme>.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap>. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is invalidated.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However, that version has yet to be released.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug, as your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.

VMS Beer — Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.

Una señora se va a operar de las tetas. Cuando la operacion termina ella dice:

Señor, pero no tengo nada. Estoy peor que antes.

Lo que pasa es que usted tiene que agitar los brazos y se le inflarán, le responde el doctor, mientras le mueve los brazos como una gallina.

Días después la señora iba por la calle y se encuentra a un hombre bien parecido y le dice:

¿Quiere venir a tomar un café lo dice agitando los brazos.

Por supuesto, le contesta el hombre, moviendo las piernas como loco.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.



Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.



Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.



Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.



The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.



Theres no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.



Golf was once a rich mans sport, but now it has millions of poor players.



An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.



Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pizza!
Pizza who?
Pizza the pie!

One who doesnt move her lips when she reads.

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him."Ive figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."