Old and New Jokes

A psychotic doesnt believe that 2 + 2 = 4.

A neurotic knows its true, but it bothers him.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, This is phenomenal. Youve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, wed hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and were afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. Im sorry….we cant hire you.

But wait, he said. If I take two aspirin, Ill stop winking!

Really? Great! Show me!

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

Well, said the interviewer, thats all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!

Womanizing? What do you mean? Im a happily married man!

Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?

Oh, that, he sighed. Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?

An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the drivers lawyer:

Lawyer: Samuel, youve told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you werent injured at all, isnt that true?

Samuel: Well … let me explain.

Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.

Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, Looks like he has a broken leg, and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing.

Of course, I immediately replied, Im OK!

Un boxeador está recibiendo una gran paliza. Le salva el gong y lo arrastran hasta sentarle en el banquillo de su esquina. Sin poder abrir los ojos, cerrados por la paliza, y balbuciendo por los dientes perdidos, le pregunta a su entrenador:

¿Cómo voy… cómo voy?

¡¿Qué cómo vas?! ¡Mira, si ahora sales y lo matas te darán combate nulo!

Después de un largo recorrido, llega una mujer a ver al brujo de la región.

¡Por favorcito, hágame aste el favor de ir conmigo a ver a mi Tata, ya está muy viejito y no puede venir desde el rancho hasta acá y está muy enfermito!

¡Pero onde lo va usté a creer… tengo mucha gente, no puedo!

¡Andele, no sea malito, si no qué hago, ni modo que deje morir a mi Tata!

Pos… mire, le voy a dar el remedio, pero lo tienen que seguir al pie de la letra, todo lo que yo diga lo tienen que hacer pero toditito al pie de la letra…

¡Lo que usté me diga con tal de curar a mi Tata!

El brujo le explica a la mujer todo lo que tenía que hacer con el viejito y después de asegurarse de que le había entendido, le insiste en que tiene que ser al pie de la letra.

Como pasó el tiempo y la señora no regresó, el brujo fue a verla un día a su casa.

Buenas tardes… ¿Y qué pasó con su Tata, ya se curó?

¡Nooo, figúrese asté que se nos murió!

¡Pero cómo!, ¿qué no le hicieron lo que le dije?

¡Claro que sí, al pie de la letra como asté dijo!

Y entonces ¿cómo fue que se murió?

Pos verá, primero cortamos unas ramas de ruda y cmo asté dijo, las dejamos serenar y aluego se las pasamos por toditito el cuerpo, aluego le untamos el aceitito que nos dio, y aluego, como asté dijo, lo empezamos a sobar con un huevo, primero iba bien, pero ya cuando le llevábamos el huevo estirado hasta el ombligo, pos nomás dio un grito y ai quedó mi Tata…

Twas the night before Payback…



Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,

The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.

Osamas been praying, hes down on his knees,

Hes hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.



He thought if he killed us that wed fall and shatter,

But all that hes done is just make us madder.

We havent yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,

And well kick your ass, with one heavy boot.



And yes we remember the USS Cole,

And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.

You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,

Youll soon get the answer if you live to hear.



And we aint forgotten your buddy Saddam,

And he aint forgotten the sound of our bombs.

You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,

Theyll go down in history as the place where you died.



Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?

He came very close, to his final breath.

So come out and prove it, that you are a man,

Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.



They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,

And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.

They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,

Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.



Osama I wrote this especially for you,

For air mail delivery by B-52.

You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,

Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.



I wont be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,

Its Red, White, and Blue thats running this show!

A queer walks into a bar. The bartender says, Hey, son. We dont allow queers in this bar.


The queer says, I need a drink really bad, honey. Ill sit in the very back and be very quiet!


The bartender thinks for a while, and says, Alright. Only ONE drink. The queer takes the glass of beer and sits in the dark courner of the bar. Suddenly, a cowboy walks in with snakeskin boots and a cowskin cowboy hat.


He walks up to the bartender and says, Im so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off the balls of a cow!


The queer looks up uncertainly and yells across the bar, Moo, Moo, Buckaroo!


The bartender is taken to court two days later for letting a half-baked drunk queer in the bar.

Your momma is so bald-headed she got in the shower and got brain washed.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Stopwatch!
Stopwatch who?
Stopwatch your doing right now!