Old and New Jokes

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

Because she is her brother.

Heard this from a friend who heard it from my brother… who didnt
tell ME this joke. Ill get him for that…

Jesus was at a disco and having trouble dancing, so he says, Help!
Ive risen and I cant get down!

You might be a redneck if…
The tobacco chewers in your family arent just men.

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. What was he sentenced for? asked the Governor gently.

For stealing a loaf of bread, nervously replied the offenders wife.

Is he a good husband?

No, she replied frankly, blushing a bit. He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, hes unfaithful, and really not much good at all.

It sounds to me as though youre better off without him, said the Governor. Why on earth do you want him out of jail?

Well, she explained, were out of bread again.

Tips to help you prepare for your new house mate…1. Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.2. Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.3. Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.4. Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.5. Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it wont be the whole breast.6. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.7. Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because thats where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).8. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the TV shouting No! No! Dont chew on the electric cord! Miss the end of the program.9. Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and dont try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.10. Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. Its going to get scratched anyway.11. Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.12. Knock all small items off your kitchen counter. 13. Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.14. Take a fork and shred the roll of toilet paper while its still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.15. Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.16. Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests ge

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Kemp) Its morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].

Three blondes are walking on the beach and find genie lamp.

The Genie says look girls, there are three of you.. so only ONE wish each!

The 1st blonde says Genie, I think that I would like to be a little bit smarter… POOF!!!

She is a REDHEAD!

The 2nd blonde says Genie,… I think I would like to be a little smarter still!…POOF!!!

She is a BRUNETTE!

3rd blonde says Genie… I have been a blonde ALL my life!..Men buy me cars,..give me money,…and jewels… I think I would like to be a little DUMBER!!…POOF!!!

She is a MAN!!

Una pareja de esposos que no se soportan deciden divorciarse y acuden con el juez para que los separe. El magistrado pregunta las razones de la separación; después de escucharlas está de acuerdo con los argumentos, pero les advierte que lo único que falta por establecer, es quién se quedará con la custodia del nene y le pide a la mujer que hable:

Señor juez, mire, déjeme decirle que no veo por qué usted me pueda quitar a mi nene, si fui yo quien lo tuvo en el vientre durante nueve meses. Luego de eso lo amamante; después lo crié porque su padre es un irresponsable, que creo nunca lo quiso.

Luego de ese discurso, el magistrado le dice al padre que hable:

Señor juez, para no dar tanto discurso como esa mujer, se la voy a poner fácil: si usted quiere adquirir un refresco en una máquina, le mete las monedas para que ésta le dé la bebida. Entonces, si usted introdujo las monedas, ¿de quién es el refresco, suyo de la máquina?