Old and New Jokes

(Age 22)

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates the finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover

(Age 32)

1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant

4. Listens more then he talks

5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times

6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal

9. Remembers anniversaries

10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week

(Age 42)

1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK

2. Doesnt drive off until Im in the car

3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion

4. Nods head at appropriate times when Im talking

5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves on most weekends

(Age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length

2. Doesnt belch or scratch in public

3. Doesnt borrow money too often

4. Doesnt nod off to sleep while Im emoting

5. Doesnt re-tell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves on some weekends

(Age 62)

1. Doesnt scare small children

2. Remembers where the bathroom is

3. Doesnt require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)

5. Forgets why hes laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers when…

(Age 72)

1. Breathing…..

Un hombre que siempre que llega a casa borracho su mujer le pega, decide pedir consejo a un amigo:

Eh, tío, tengo un problema.

¿Qué pasa?

Pues que siempre que llego a casa borracho, mi mujer me pega. ¿Qué puedo hacer para que los vecinos no se enteren?

Haz lo que hacía un amigo mío: cada vez que te golpee, insúltala bien alto, así nadie se dará cuenta.

¡Vale, suena bien, voy a emborracharme!

A las 3 de la mañana llega el hombre, alcoholizado, a casa. La mujer le estaba esperando en el sofá y en cuanto éste abre la puerta de la casa, empieza a propinarle una paliza de mil demonios. Así que él empieza:

¡Paff, eso por furcia!

¡Poff, eso por irte con otro!

La mujer lo coge, lo tira por la ventana y él grita:

¡Y ahora me voy!

One day a red-head, a burnette and a blond were walking on the beach when the trip over a magic mirrior.

This little face pops out at them and says if the can tell him one true thrue thing about themselves they can have anyhting they desire.

But if they lie he will turn them into a frog. So the red-head goes first,I think I am the smartest person in the world.


The mirrior said that she could have anything she disired and she wanted a thousand dollars and she got it.

Now it was the burnettes turn and she said,I think I am the second smartest person in the world and the mirrior she could have anything she disired. She wanted a million dollars and she got it.

Finally it was the blondes turn. She stepped up to the mirrior and said,Let me get this straight, all I gotta do is say one true thing about myself and then I get what ever I desire.

The mirrior said that that was correct, but if it was a lie he would turn her into a frog. She started to say what she thought was true about herself, I think….. and the mirrior turned her into a frog.

This group of guys goes hunting every year, they stay in a cabin. they always put Fred in a room by himself because he snores so loud. one year there is a new guy with the group, but the only room they have for the new guy to sleep is in the room with Fred. the next morning Fred comes out of his room, eyes bloodshot, irritable, clearly a lack of sleep. the new guy comes out looking like hes had the best rest in his whole life. now the group of guys are confused! this has never happened before, its usually the other way around! this continues night after night. finnaly one of the guys works up the nerve, and asks Fred whats going on? well he said. I am asleep for a little while, when suddenly I wake up to the new guy blowing in my ear and patting me on the ass. then he goes and lays down and starts sleeping. there is no way I can sleep the rest of the night in the same room with that guy.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding?
A: She places the box in the microwave and looks for the instant pudding setting button.

A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish
jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to
sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in
and said to me, Hey pal, Im Polish and I dont like you telling all those
Polish jokes!

So I said, Well, theyre not against you, pal, just against
anyone in Poland. My mother is in Poland! He screams, and pulls out
a razor. Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had
found a place to plug it in!

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, What are you doing? You cant outrun a bear!

His friend replies, I dont have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!

Looking back over the years that weve been together, I cant help but wonder:…………. What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!…………. Too bad no one likes your wife.

How could two people as beautiful you………… have such an ugly

baby?

Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love……… After having met you, Ive changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life……….. I never

believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am……. that youre not

here to ruin it for me.

As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts youve given me. Like the need for therapy…

Thanks for being a part of my life!!!………. I never knew what evil was before this!

Before you go,……… I would like you to take this knife out of my back. Youll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married………… but not to you.

You look great for your age…….Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said youd die for me……… Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend……. So heres his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time……….. What do you say we call it quits?

Im so miserable without you……………… Its almost like youre here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…………… Did you ever

find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. Id miss you heaps and think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday——— So were having you put to sleep.