Old and New Jokes

A man is in court for murder and the judge says You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.

Then a voice at the back of the court says, You bastard!

Then the judge continues, you are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.

Again the voice at the back of the court says, You bastard!

The judge says, Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt of court. Now, what is the problem?

The man at the back of the court replies, Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!

It seems that a
lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate
to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked
through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid
dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is
almost all water, and the part that isnt water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake
of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically
safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that
equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable
goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes
the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout
regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking
(very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when
you arent necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any
problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories
on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional
"How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for
lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak
out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your
heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you
will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven
to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything
you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you
have consumed at least half of the days required beers. This way the
food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again
exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl"
stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other
forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build
up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really
want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus
using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and
get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan
than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, lets run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be
attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically
be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor
store and stock up. Go to favourite place of beer drinking and begin the
consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all
day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have
accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11).
Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite
has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal
due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This
is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories
for the day, and you still dont feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This
is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully
implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played
every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major
League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should
be paced to cover the entire day-you dont want to peak too soon. Again
you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Dont
forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested,
and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for
the upcoming weekend.
Happy dieting.

The following extraordinary story appeared in a local South African newspaper (The Argus):

LONDON. – A university lecturer whose erect penis popped out during a private lesson with a girl student has blamed his washing machine.

Scientist Ian Rabarts, 53, told a Cambridge magistrate his washing machine was not rinsing properly. Some powder was left inside his underpants.

It caused a rash which made me itch, said Mr Rabarts, so I let my genitals hang out of my briefs.

The father of two said a whiff of student Michelle Sowden-Frosts perfume caused his penis to become erect.

The displacement of my underpants because of the problems with my crotch and the unwitting leaving open of my fly allowed the erection to protrude through the slip of my lab coat. It was an absolutely horrifying situation for me.

The magistrate accepted that the incident was accidental and Mr Rabarts was cleared of indecent exposure.

His wife said they had since bought a new washing machine.

…about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the
worlds oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor
said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in
the removal of Adams rib. The engineer countered that before that act,
the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and
heavens from nothing.

The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was
indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that
programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the
engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the
Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great
Void, only Chaos!

The programmer simply smiled and said:

Where do you think the Chaos came from?

A man who had been prescribed Viagra dies in the act and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director cant get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the mans beautiful young widow. Im afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member.

Well I have no more money, states the widow, and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece.

The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: Hell amputate the member and then stick it up the deceaseds backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees.

On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceaseds face, looking for all the world like a teardrop.

The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the teardrop and says to him quietly, See, I told you it hurts!

When a guys says he slept with a woman and she gave him the clap, it doesnt mean she applauded him for his effort.

Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.

Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.

If Apple ran Christmas…
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

Yango, el pistolero más temido del Oeste, entra a una cantina y le ordena al cantinero:

Deme una botella de güisqui, y tráigame a la puta más puta que haya en este sucio bar.

El cantinero acata la orden. Yango se toma de un porrazo la botella y sube a una habitación con la prostituta. Entonces, comienza a fornicar tan duro que casi mata a la chica. Al terminar se levanta, se acerca al oído de la mujer y le susurra:

Si de aquí a nueve meses pasa algo, llámalo Yango.

Y sale cabalgando con su caballo hacia Sudamérica. Llega a México y sucede lo mismo: ordena una botella de tequila y la puta más puta del lugar. Después de dejarla tirada en el piso le murmura:

Si de aquí a nueve meses pasa algo llámalo Yango.

Y sigue su rumbo por Venezuela, Colombia, Ecuador, haciendo lo mismo hasta llegar a Perú. Ahí entra en una cantina y le ordena al cantinero una botella de pisco y la puta más puta; sube y comienza a practicar el coito una y otra vez hasta quedar exhausto. Toma fuerzas para vestirse y le cuchichea a la joven en la oreja:

Si de aquí a nueve meses pasa algo, llámalo Yango.

La puta se levanta y comienza a vestirse con calma, al tiempo que le informa a Yango en la oreja:

Si de aquí a nueve minutos se te caen los huevos y el pene, llámalo chancro.