Old and New Jokes

Whats the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex?

Fill his water bed with gasoline.

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and hes stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, Sir, have you been drinking?

The minister says, Just water.

The sheriff says, Then why do I smell wine?

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, Good Lord, Hes done it again!

Twas the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays Danced in their heads.



Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would get their brains thinking.



In my own apartment, I had been pacing, Dreading all those exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books, And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were all muddy, My eyes went ablur, I just couldnt study. Some pizza might help, I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. Id pretty much concluded Life is unfair and cruel, Since our futures all depend On grades made in school. When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide, And Patron Saint Put-It-Off Ambled inside. Her spirit was careless, Her manner was mellow, She looked at the mess And started to bellow: Why should us students Make such a fuss, About what those teachers Toss out to us? On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Years Exams! On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams! Her message delivered, She vanished from sight, But we heard her laughing Outside in the night. Your teachers wont flunk you, So just do your best. Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test.

A teacher was in class on Friday evening (last period).
She told the class that whichever student answered the
question correctly could have Monday off.

She asked Who is the President of the United States?

A boy rose his hand and said Bill Clinton.

The teacher told him he could have Monday off, but the boy told her that he
was Jewish and that Jews dont take holidays for no reason.

The teacher told him not to raise his hand again and she decided to ask
another question. She said What is the name of the last province that
joined in confederation with Canada?

Another boy rose his hand and said Newfoundland.

The teacher told him that he could have Monday off but the boy said that he
too was a Jew.

A big bully who was sitting at the back of the class said Stupid Jews.

The teacher called out Who said that?
The bully called back Hitler Miss! See yah Tuesday!

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided
to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly
cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife
ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting
to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in
Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didnt notice he had misspelled
his wifes email address

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her
husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory
just a few days earlier.

She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from
relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud
scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The womans son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He
glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife: Ive just been checked in. Everything has been prepared
for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

From David Letterman – Tuesday, January 31, 1995

Top Ten Signs Youre Not The Sexiest Man Alive

10. When people see you, they often ask, Is it Halloween already?

9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, Siskel and ___

8. The best term to describe you is super hairy.

7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.

6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.

5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.

4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, Oh God, no.

3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and youre seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

2. Hookers always telling you Not on the first date.

1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.

You might be a redneck if…
if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

Im not making this up. This is almost as good as the
Nintendo Cereal System. Everything after this sentence is
quoted from a coupon offer in the San Francisco Chronicle
of Sunday June 25, 1989 from Kraft foods and referencing a
copyright of Paramount Pictures Corporation.

Get your One-of-a-Kind

Star Trek V (the final frontier)

Kraft Marshmallow Dispenser

Experience the 23rd century with a one-of-a-kind, futuristic
marshmallow dispenser. It holds up to four KRAFT Jet-Puffed
Marshmallows. Its dual action lever opens and dispenses the
marshmallows in a single motion. The dispenser also comes
with a durable plastic fork and spoon, making it ideal for
camping trips. It can be clipped to a belt or almost anything.

The official marshmallow of the Starship U.S.S. Enterprise.(TM)

In Washington DC, and asked Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?
86% said Never again.

Why does it have to be a light bulb?