Old and New Jokes

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

Well, says the doctor, I can do the facelift, and then youll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.

Oh, no. the woman replies. I want it all done in one shot. I dont want to have to come back.

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear.

Thats what I want! exclaims the lady. Lets do that. Six months later the lady charges into the doctors office.

Well, hows the procedure holding up? the doctor asks. Terrible! the lady bellows. Its the worst mistake Ive ever made.

Whats wrong? asks the doctor. Just look at these bags under my eyes! she hollers.

Lady, the doctor reports, those arent bags, those are your boobs, and if you dont leave that screw alone, youre going to have a beard!

Grandma & Grampa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides
hes hungry for some ice cream.

Hey, Grandma – Im gonna head to the kitchen and get myself a dish
of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?

Sure, Grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what youre
going out there for or else youll forget. replies Grandma.

I will not! retorts Grandpa. In fact, tell me what you want on it
and Ill show you I can remember that, too.

OK, says Grandma, Ill have some chocolate sauce. But youre
gonna forget…

Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30
minutes, accompanied by a cacaphonous banging of pots and pans.
Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs.

See there, Grandpa. I told you youd forget! chides Grandma.

Whaddya mean, forget, Grandma? What did I forget? demands Grandpa.

You fool, says Grandma. You forgot my bacon!

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Q: What did the blonde do when she locked her keys in her car?

A: She had to break a window to get out!

Q: Whats Bills fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

Your mama is so stupid when i walked into her house i asked wheres the bathroom? and she answered third bucket to the left.



your mama is so stupid she thought taco bell was a mexican phone company.





your mama is so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.





your mama is so stupid she climbed over a glass wall just to see what is on the other side.





your momma is so stupid she fell out of a boat and couldnt find water.





your mama is so fat she sat on a dollar and made change.





your momma is so stupid she tried to drown a fish.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marion!
Marion who?
Marion on a Sunday!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, They dont make Pampers small enough.

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. Reverend, he said, I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. Its very embarrassing. What should I do?

I have an idea, said the minister. Take this pin with you. Ill be able to tell when shes sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin.

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. …And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you? he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

Jesus! cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.

Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones, said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. Who is your redeemer? he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

God! cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. Right again, Mrs. Jones, said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didnt notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, …And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?

Mrs. Jones shrieked, You stick that damned thing in me one more time and Ill break it off and shove it up your ass!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, I am very
rich. Marry me!
Thats Direct Marketing
Youre at a party with a bunch of
friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says, Hes very rich. Marry him.
Thats Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone
number. The next day you call and say,
Hi, Im very rich. Marry me.
Thats Telemarketing. Youre at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you
walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her
bag after she drops it, offer hera ride,
and then say, By the way, Im very rich
Will you marry me?
Thats Public Relations. Youre at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, You are
very rich…
Thats Brand Recognition. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, Im rich.
Marry me She gives you a nice hard
slap on your face.
Thats Customer Feedback