Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Imagine a farm. On the farm there live a chick and a horse. One day the horse gets stuck in a swamp at the bottom of a field so it says:


Help Chick pull me out!


The chick obliges and gets its Harley Davidson to help pull horse out and all is well.


Two weeks later chick gets stuck in the same swamp and shouts for horse to help.


Horse comes to the rescue and straddles the swamp saying Grab on!. Sure enough he pulls chick safely out of the swamp.

And the moral of the story is:


If youre hung like a horse, you dont need a bike to pull chicks!

Alright, Stupid Office Tricks 2004. Let us know your scores. NO CHEATING. CONTACT US with detailed scoring. We will post the highest scores and comments on the main page in a few weeks. Good Luck!

One-Point Gags

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· Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you.

· In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out Yahtzee!

· Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, Sorry, I really prefer it this way.

· Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, Just called to say I cant talk right now. Bye.

· Run one lap around the office at top speed.

· To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

· Walk sideways to the photocopier.

· When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!

· While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three-Point Gags

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· Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, Did you get all that, I dont want to have to repeat it.

· Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a non-player within sight).

· Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

· Say to your boss, I like your style and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

· Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five-Point Gags

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· After every sentence, say mon in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, The reports on your desk, mon. Keep this up for one hour.

· Announce to everyone in a meeting that you really have to go do number two.

· At lunch time get down on your knees and announce As God as my witness, Ill never go hungry again.

· At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra 3 points if you actually launch into it yourself).

· Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, Ya wanna trade?

· Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, I cant talk about it.

· Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

· For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Bob.

· Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

· In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am See how I look in tights.

· In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!

· Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:

Do you hear that?

What?

Never mind, its gone now

· Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, not now and walk away.

· Walk into a very busy persons office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

· While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

· While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesnt matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

When his wife gave birth to a healthy baby, a proud father went in to work and told everybody that he has a 10Kg healthy son.

After hearing what was going on, the wife tells the father to quit telling everybody that the baby is 10Kg because hes only 4 Kg.

Next day at work, the father comes in and tells everyone that the baby is only 4 Kg.

What do you mean, he was 10 yesterday?

Umm, well that was before he got circumcised.

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.

But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.

True enough, said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!

YO mamma is so fat…she sat on the rainbow and skittles popped out!

A married couple are very deeply in love with each other. The wife is very fond of watching hindi movies.

After a few months she becomes pregnant and everyday during her pregnancy she watches hindi movie SHOLAY.
During the time fo delivery the husband is waitng outside the maternity ward and the nurse comes running outside and breaks the good news Mubarak ho aap ko beta hua hai.
The husband runs with joy towards the ward, he opens tthe door and to his surprise finds his baby sitting on his mothers chest holding her collar and asking her Kyu kitne Aadmi they

Roosevelt and Deelya were astonished when Noah selected them to be the ants to represent their species in the ark. After all, they were considered inferior by the other ants in the anthill because of their large odor sensors. In humility they bowed before Noah and said We is honored to join you in this here boat although they werent really sure what a boat was. In fact, just that same day they had heard a couple of termites joking about Noahs Folly, saying the wood wasnt any good for chewing.

Roosevelt and Deelya were glad they were small, because Noah was really packing the animals in, and things were getting crowded. Just when it seemed there was absolutely no room for anything else, water began to fall from the sky and Noah shut the doors. Soon the ark began to rock, and it floated off into the growing storm, with all hands (several thousand, including itty-bitty flea feet) accounted for.

It was the middle of the night when the ark struck the side of Mt. Ararat (originally called Mt. Watchoutforthat). The sudden jolt and list to starboard woke the animals abruptly from their slumber. In the ensuing melee, Padre Porcupine accidently stuck Signor Skunk in the buttocks, causing the poor skunk to emit a full charge of eau de pew into the chaos.

Noah had his hands full trying to secure the ark and get everybody quieted down. Some accounts, particularly from the giraffes, had God appearing with a clothespin on his nose, which uniquely altered his stentorian voice. But most likely God answered Noahs frantic prayer by giving him a spontaneous clear insight.

In any event, Noah located Roosevelt and Deelya hiding in a coil of rope and said, Friends, I need your help. I have all I can handle securing this arc and calming the bigger animals. God has told me that you have a special gift for getting rid of this skunk stink. Will you help me?

Deelya looked at Roosevelt. What gift be dat? she asked. Only things different bout us be dese puffy noses, and child, they is getting a workout right about now.

But Roosevelt, although unaccustomed to considering a higher calling, decided If the Good Lord says it, it must be true. So he and Deelya went all around the ark, sniffing up the skunk stink with all the gusto they and their large odor sensors could manage. Before too long came the golden dawn of a new world.

Noah had lifes major constraints in place, and had called all the animals to a meeting outside the ark. The agenda centered mainly on Gods providence and the necessity to begin re-populating the earth.

Roosevelt and Deelya had sucked up all the stink and were a little bloated, but they responded to the call for them to come forward. Noah honored them in front of the assembly for their free use of their special gifts and the likelihood of a future anthill full of special noses.

As they returned to their place, Roosevelt realized out loud Yknow, we be de de-scent ants of Noah!

Sam, a business man was driving home after long sales trip and saw a hitchhiker with a cow. Sam finally stopped and the hitchhiker approached the window and said, Will you give me a ride to Denver Sir?
Sam was amazed and said, I do not mind, but you will have to leave your cow here.

No Sir, the hitchhiker said. I will just tie her to the back of the car, and I promise you sir, she will not slow you down. I Promise.

The business man was reluctant, but he was dying for company, so he agreed. The hitchhiker was elated and tied the cow to the back bumper.

They started out and Sam took the car up to 10 miles per hour, he looked in the mirror and the cow seemed to be trotting along. 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph, did not phase the cow. The hitchhiker looked over to Sam and assured him that the cow would be fine, not to worry.

Sam took the car up to 55 mph and still the cow was looking very comfortable. Now Sam was getting a little frustrated by this cow who could keep up with his car. Sam watched the speedometer go to 65, 75 and finally 90 mph.

Sam looked back and FINALLY the cow seemed tired, I got you, you son of ……..

What is the matter? the hitchhiker asked.

Your cow seems tired, her tongue is sticking out, the business man said.

Is it sticking out on the left, or the right? the hitchhiker asked.

The left side, Sam said with a smile.

Well, the hitchhiker said, You better pull over, she is trying to pass you.