One day there was a woman who was about to have babies. She went to a fortune teller and the fortune teller said she would have twins — and they would be demons. The news somehow got on TV, so there were FBI agents and cops in the hospital room where the woman was going to give birth. They had guns ready to shoot the babies when they came out. One of the babies stuck his head out and saw what was going on. So he stuck his head back in and told his brother. After hearing what was going to happen the second brother said, “Lets go out the back way.”
05
May
05
May
Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, If you were a musician, who would you be?.
Chuck Norris said, I would be Motzart. Jean Claud VanDam said, I would be Bethoven. Arnold said, Ill be Bach!
05
May
Def Leppard.
05
May
Heard this one at work:
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them.
They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in
this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, We thought we would be happy
forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there any way we can get divorced?
Are you kidding? said St. Peter. It took me a hundred years to get
a priest up here to marry you. Ill never get a lawyer!
04
May
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, My other car is a combine.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
04
May
Un tipo se compró una moto Ninja 1100, y para estrenarla se llevó a dos amigos, entre ellos un tartamudo:
Móntense, vamos a probar mi moto.
Los dos amigos se montan y el tipo arranca como loco. Al cabo de un rato el sujeto voltea y pregunta:
Quiubo, mano, ¿cómo vamos?
Y el tartamudo responde:
Jajajaja ja ja ja ja…
¿Ah, s� ¡Vamos a ver!
Y el motociclista acelera todavÃa más. Un rato después pregunta nuevamente:
¿Cómo vamos?
Jajaja ja ja ja jaja…
¿Ah, s�
Esta vez acelera la moto a máxima velocidad; para y, con aire de autosuficiencia, insite:
Quiubo, ¿cómo nos fue?
Jajajajairo se cayó en la primera vuelta!
04
May
Era una vez Pepito que estaba en clases de anatomÃa, entonces la maestra pide que alguien pase a dibujar el cerebro. Todos querÃan participar y Pepito era el más inquieto por pasar, pero la maestra le pide a Juanito que pase.
Después, pide que alguien pase a dibujar el pulmón. A pesar de la insistencia de Pepito, la maestra pasa a otro niño, y asà sucesivamente todos los órganos del cuerpo, hasta que al final la maestra pide que alguien pase a dibujar el corazón. Pepito insiste tanto que la maestra al fin cede y Pepito, muy seguro y muy serio, dibuja ¡perfectamente! el corazón, pero al final le pone unas patitas…
La maestra, muy extrañada, le pregunta:
Pepito, ¿a quién le has escuchado que el corazón tenga patas?
Pepito, muy serio, le contesta:
A mi papá maestra, todas las noches oigo que le dice a mi mamá: abrete de patitas corazón.
04
May
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouts across the garage, Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on over here a minute! The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic…
Now try doing it with the engine running!
04
May
Overnight, Gov. Elect Jesse Ventura announced various appointments to his new administration.
Press Secretary – Mean Gene Okerlund
Agriculture Commissioner – Kenny The Sodbuster Jay
Chairman of 7 County Mosquito Control District – Jimmy Super Fly Snuka
Education Commissioner – Bobby The Brain Heenan
National Guard Adjutant General – Sargeant Slaughter
Transportation Commissioners – The Road Warriors
Commissioner of the Arts – Rock and Roll Buck Zumhofe
Chairman, Govs Council on Physical Fitness – Jerry Blackwell
Animal Rights Commissioner – Mad Dog Vachon
State Title IX Coordinator – Macho Man Randy Savage
Tribal Affairs Commissioner – Wahoo McDaniel
Co-Chairs, State Recycling Program – Junkyard Dog and Ray The Crusher Stevens
Highway Maintenance Engineer – Dusty Rhodes
Trade Envoy to Japan – Mr. Fuji
State Treasurer – The Million Dollar Man Ted Diebiase
Chief of Staff and Mentor – Vern Gagne
State Gaming Commissioner – Black Jack Lanza
Timber Commission Chairman – Larry The Axe Henning
Winter Carnival Coordinator – Stone Cold Steve Austin
04
May
1. Because baby eats. Eating is a messy job for a baby. If you wrap a baby in a towel sized bib…baby will find the tiny gap of space left around the neck and dump food in.
2. Because baby sleeps. Sleeping is an unplanned job for baby. If you dont have a clean dry diaper on baby when baby decides to doze…or even if you do…baby will figure out a way to sleep and still whiz on everything.
3. Because baby drools. Baby may look clean to the unexpecting admirer… but beware of picking up the little water fountain unless your clothing has flood insurance.
4. Because baby moves. If your house is spotless…baby will find spot.
5. Because baby has Grandma. Grandma thinks the little suit with ears and a tail is SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Not to mention the Santa suit, pumpkin suit, turkey suit, bunny suit, or cowboy suit.
6. Because baby grows. Size 1 today…size 3 on Wednesday…
7. Because baby things disappear. Even washing machines enjoy a light lunch once in a while.
8. Because baby has relatives. Aunt Bertha made a bright orange sundress out of wool for baby. Gee…lets see if the washing machine has eaten today…
9. Because baby hates getting dressed. If mom cannot get baby in and out of clothing easily and quickly during any part of any day or night…that set of annoying clothing will be gift wrapped and sent to one of the in-laws..
10. Because baby travels. It is not humanly possible to carry around all of the clothing a baby will need. Therefore, stashes of baby clothing must be hidden all over the neighborhood. (If you happen to find someone elses stash and the clothes look cleaner…just trade…they will probably be too tired to notice…)