Old and New Jokes

One day there were two men walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack.
When he asked, the man said, I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm… Chicken sure sounds good tonight. The other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack. Well Ill tell you, replied the man, If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack Ill give them both to you.

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says no. The mushroom replies, Why not? Im a fungi.

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said Id like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!

the panda calmly replied Do you know what I am?

Why yes, the barman answered. Your a panda.

Good, the panda nodded Now go home and look up panda in the dictionary. And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friends murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found panda and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

Ok guys, own up…which one are you?

Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.

Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellows thingy.

Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.

Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.

Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.

Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.

Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.

Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.

Learned Type Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.

Childish Type Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.

Efficient Type Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.

Strong Type Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

Drunken Type Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.

Embarrassed Type Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.

Cock-Eyed Type Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, My name is Larry and I am a SNAG.

Another guy says, Whats that?

The first guy says, That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.

Another one says, My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, Whats that?

He says, That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.

A lady says, Thats nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.

Larry says, A WIFE? Whats a WIFE?

She says, That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?

A: 144 blondes.

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties :

a) Surface usually covered with painted film.

b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

c) Melts if given special treatment.

d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!

e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :

a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.

b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.

d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.

e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.

f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :

a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.

c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.

d) Can cool things down when its too hot.

Tests :

a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.

b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :

a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.

b) Illegal to possess more than one.

Con una escasa educación y sin ningún entrenamiento, al único puesto que Andrés pudo aspirar fue de operador en la línea de producción de una nueva fábrica japonesa que se instaló en la región. Meses después de que comenzó a trabajar, la empresa organizó un concurso entre los obreros y ofreció un gran premio: un viaje de una semana a Japón (con todos los gastos pagados) para conocer al presidente de la compañía. Andrés ganó el premio, ya que fue diligente en sus deberes, trabajó duro, siempre llegó a tiempo y nunca tomó descanso ni para ir al baño.

Que no entendiera una sola palabra en japonés no fue ningún impedimento para realizar el viaje, ya que varios de los ejecutivos nipones hablaban español. Finalmente, nuestro hombre llegó al aeropuerto de Tokio y a su hotel. Por la tarde, una geisha se presentó en el cuarto de Andrés y éste supuso que podría dañar las relaciones internacionales si no realizaba algunas relaciones con la chica. Esforzándose al máximo, dedujo que la joven estaba disfrutándolo porque comenzó a gritar:

¡Bong Tsai! ¡Bong Tsai!

Como la chica se retorcía y brincaba con gran animación y viveza, supuso que Bong Tsai era una exclamación de alegría.

Así que continuó realizando su mejor esfuerzo… y ella continuó gritando: ¡Bong Tsai!

Al día siguiente, Andrés fue recogido por el gerente de operaciones americanas para llevarlo a jugar golf con el presidente y el vicepresidente de la compañía. Como ninguo de los dos hablaba español, el gerente sirvió como intérprete.

El juego procedió agradablemente hasta el cuarto hoyo. En ese par tres, el presidente pegó un gran tiro, que botó dos veces, para que finalmente la bola cayera en el receptáculo para un hoyo en uno. El oriental empezó a gritar y gritar con gran entusiasmo. Entonces, Andrés supuso que debería decir algo y recordó los alegres gimoteos de la tarde anterior y entonces exclamó:

¡Bong Tsai! ¡Bong Tsai!, pensando que era una frase adecuada para la ocasión.

Se hizo un pesado silencio en el grupo. Todos miraron fijamente a Andrés e incrédulo, el gerente de operaciones americanas le cuestionó:

¿Qué quiere decir con que es el hoyo equivocado?

Did you hear about the [ethnic] who was asked to be a Jehovahs witness?

– He refused becuase he hadnt seen the accident.

Support the right to arm bears.