Old and New Jokes

Azathoth, Nyarlathotep, and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.

To: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
Sirs:
Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention your recent
product entitled Windows 95. Therefore We now give you statutory notice of
intent of proceedings to be taken against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.
With this suit We will show that Windows 95, and to a lesser extent all of
the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the recognised look-and-feel
of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:

Windows 95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest pits of Hell;
No man can be in its presence for too long without being driven into
gibbering insanity;
A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal herd;
Those who associate with it for too long develop common physical
characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging eyes, generally
unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards nocturnal living, change
in diet to that which normal men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers
and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of
Alien Gods);
Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are reputed to
exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance and only available at
a terrible cost to the user.
The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate the world, and
force all who dwell there to live in eternal damnation.

As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider that
most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles for faces
scoop out their brains and eat them.
We hope you will consider these points carefully and settle out of court,
since it is not Our intention to have your senior partners spend the rest
of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security
psychiatric hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who
gave humanity lawyers in the first place.
Respectfully yours,

pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D

He said . . .
I dont now why you wear a bra; youve got
nothing to put in it.
She said….
You wear pants dont you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said . . .
Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said….
Thats a good idea-you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said . . .
What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .
Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll
of toilet paper?
A. We dont know; it has never happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are
sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where
her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why are married women heavier than single
women?
A. Single women come home, see whats in the
fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see
whats in bed and go to the fridge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man says to God:
God, why did you make woman so beautiful?
God says:
So you would love her.
The man says, But, God, why did you make her
so dumb?
God says:
So she would love you.

Then Jesus took his disciples up on the mountain and gathered them
around him. And he taught them, saying,

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the merciful.

Blessed are you who thirst for justice.

Blessed are you who are persecuted.

Blessed are you who suffer.

When these things begin to happen, rejoice, for your reward will be
great in Heaven.

And Simon Peter said, Do we have to write this down?

And Philip said, Will this be on the test?

And John said, Would you repeat that?

And Andrew said, John the Baptists disciples dont have to learn this stuff.

And Matthew said, Huh?

And Judas said, Whats this got to do with real life?

Then one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, said, I dont see
any of this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson Plan? Is there a
summary? Wheres the student guide? Will there be a follow-up assignment?

Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and said,
Did we do anything important today?

. . . And Jesus wept.

A short guide to comparative religions:

Taoism : Shit Happens.

Buddhism : If shit happens its not really shit.

Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah

Protestantism : Shit happens because you dont work hard enough.

Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism : This shit happened before.

Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.

Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.

Atheism : NO shit!

Jehovahs witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.

Hedonism : Theres nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesnt.

Existentialism : What is shit anyway?

Stoicism : This shit doesnt bother me.

Rastafarianinsm : Lets smoke this shit.

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. Really bad, said the second bee, the weather has been really wet and damp and there arent any flowers or pollen, so I cant make any honey. No problem, said the first bee, Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. Theres a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit. Thanks for the tip, said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, Howd it go? Fine, said the second bee, It was everything you said it would be. Uh, whats that thing on your head? asked the first bee. Thats my yarmulka, said the second bee, I didnt want them to think I was a WASP!

Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered the Presidents firm denial:

I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I cant stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be aload to handle, but when things get hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isnt a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you.

Monica Lewinsky

Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks dont have film.

When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Están varios ancianos en una celebración. Un tipo se para y empieza a anunciar:

Cuando me muera quiero donar mis ojos.

Otro se para y dice:

Cuando me muera quiero donar mi hígado.

Todo el mundo empieza a decir lo que van a donar cuando mueran, pero falta un septuagenario. Cuando llega su turno declara:

Cuando yo me muera voy a donar mi pene.

Y todos los presentes exclaman:

¡Avemaría, nadie nunca dijo eso! ¡Viva el señor que va a donar su pene!

Con el fin de felicitarlo, la concurrencia empieza a gritar:

¡Que se pare, que se pare!

El viejito, con una sonrisa, asegura:

Si se para yo no lo dono.

Una pareja de granjeros estaban haciendo el amor y, en plena sesión, el granjero le toca los senos a la mujer, los acaricia y le dice:

¡Ajuaaah! si estos senos dieran galones de leche, botaría a todas las vacas de la granja, ¡ajuaaah!

Luego le acaricia el trasero y le dice:

¡Oooh! ¡si este trasero pudiera poner cientos de huevos, botaría a todas las gallinas de la granja!

Entonces la mujer granjera le coge el pipí y le dice:

Y si esta cosa se parara mas a menudo, ¡Ajuaaah, botaría a todos los peones de la granja!

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, theres a better one. At MacDougals, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.



Then the Italian says, Yeah, thats a nice bar, but where I come from, theres a better one. Over in Brooklyn, theres this place, Vinnys. At Vinnys, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.



Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.



Then the Polish guy says, You think thats great? Where I come from, theres this place, Warshowskis. At Warshowskis, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!



Wow! said the other two. Thats fantastic! Did that actually happen to you? No, he replied, but it happened to my sister!