Old and New Jokes

In Canada we have two Seasons…six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself – What other problem can there be greater than this one?

Wife : Youre gonna be really sorry! Im going to LEAVE you!

Hubby : Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?

Confucious say, Its better to be pissed off than to be pissed on!

A
broke blonde decides to ask God for help. Dear Lord, she
prays, if I dont get some cash, Im gonna lose
everything. Please let me win the lottery.

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesnt win. She prays even harder, saying, God,
why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this
once.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

Sweetheart, work with me on this, he says. Buy a ticket.

While attending confession, the first of three roommates admitted to the priest that she had let a man fondle her breasts. The priest told her to wash them with holy water.

The second roomie confessed that she had touched a mans sexual organ. The priest told her to wash her hands with holy water.

The two girls were busy washing at the holy water when their friend joined them. Move over, girls, she said I have to gargle.

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 hes going to jump.

Blonde: OK.

(Back to newscast : He jumped!)

Blonde: OK. I lost. Heres my $20 to you.

Brunette: No, that was too easy. I cant take it.

Blonde: I insist. I lost.

Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 p.m. news and I knew he jumped. So it wasnt really a good bet.

Blonde: I know, I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didnt think hed be stupid enough to jump TWICE!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Howie!
Howie who!
Im fine, how are you!

Why doesnt Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is? Socialism

Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
A: One. It isnt too easy.

I hope you didnt take it personally, Reverend, an embarassed woman said after a church service, when my husband walked out during your sermon.

I did find it rather disconcerting, the preacher replied.

Its not a reflection on you, sir, insisted the church goer. Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.