For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our childrens soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldnt be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldnt mention anything about his fathers whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
Yes, he replied, she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But dont worry. I told her I didnt know!
Q. What do you do whan a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run, because shes got a grenade in the other hand
You might be a redneck if…
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
This blonde was walking down a road, when this guy came along. The blond was carrying a bag. The guy goes, What are you carrying? She goes, Melons. The guy goes, Cool. if I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them? The blonde giggles and goes, If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.
A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "Youve shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell.""I dont know!" she flounders."Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity.""Okay then," she says. "Ill start with heaven since Im here already."She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine. After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity. The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates."Well, have you made your decision?" He asks."Ive decided on hell," she announces."So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade."What happened!?!" She exclaimed."Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."
Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:
17. I finished the Oreos.
16. Not to imply anything, but I dont think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
15. Yknow, looking at her, youd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!
14. I sure hope your thighs arent gonna stay that flabby forever!
13. Well, couldnt they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
12. Darned if you aint about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
11. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, thats gotta hurt.
10. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. Im jealous! Why cant men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
7. Get your *own* ice cream.
6. Geez, youre awfully puffy looking today.
5. Got milk ?
4. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.
3. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
2. Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:
1. You dont have the guts to pull that trigger…
A little girl asks her Mom, May I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom says, No honey, the dog is in heat.
Whats that mean? asked the child.
Go ask your Father. I think hes in the garage.
The little girl goes to the garage and says, Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you.
Her Dad said, Bring Susie over here.
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dogs rear end with it and said, Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.
The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Her Dad asks, Wheres Susie?
The girl replies, Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and theres another dog pushing her home!
It seems that a man who recently had a sex change has been complaining about all the sexual harassment she has been receiving since she became a woman.
The women in her office said they would stop harassing her as soon as she started putting the seat down on the toilet.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you!
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, You have a drink named Steve?