Old and New Jokes

Gone fishing
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. Ill be home in an hour to pick them up.

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.

His wife asks: Did you have a good trip, dear?

He says: Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.

His wife smiles and says, Oh no I didnt. I put them in your tackle box!

Eres tan tonto que…

…te dan a cuidar una tortuga y se te escapa.

…tienes una florería y el Día de las Madres la cierras.

…no ves películas porno porque no sabes leer los subtítulos.

…fuiste a comprar un juego de cama y pediste el reglamento.

…te vistes de Rambo en el medio del campo para sembrar el pánico.

…no te dejan salir del país para poder aumentar el Producto Interno Bruto.

…pusiste un cartel que dice: Pinto casas. Voy a domicilio.

…inventaste el microchip más grande del mundo.

…inventaste el diccionario con índice.

…inventaste las bolsitas de té impermeables.

…inventaste el agua deshidratada: sólo hay que echarle agua y listo.

…para comer sopa de letras necesitas un traductor.

…le robaste la cartera a un tipo en un avión y saliste corriendo.

…inventaste la pasta dentífrica con sabor a ajo.

…te toman de modelo para las fotos publicitarias de operaciones de vasectomía.

…te compraste cal y arena para hacerle un puente a un colega radioaficionado.

…te fuiste a Bolivia para encontrar La Paz.

…te mandaron a Colombia a comprar coca y, como no encontraste, trajiste Pepsi.

…tu padre te dio dinero para el almuerzo y al mediodía te lo comiste.

…pones azúcar en la almohada para tener dulces sueños.

…te pusiste la dentadura postiza al revés y te mordiste media cabeza.

…crees que fornicar es una tarjeta de crédito.

…si tienes que estacionarte a 45 grados te pones alegre, porque tu auto tiene aire acondicionado.

…te pusiste a estudiar porque mañana tienes un examen de orina.

…ganaste una medalla de oro en las Olimpiadas y la hiciste bañar en bronce.

…si entras en un concurso de estúpidos sales segundo por estúpido.

…te mandan a espiar y tocas el timbre.

…compraste píldoras anticonceptivas y se las diste a la cigüeña.

…te compraste una TV color en cuotas. Este mes te entregan el color rojo.

…vendiste la única televisión de casa para comprarte una vídeo.

…si te piden que mires al horizonte pones la radio en 94.3 Mhz y miras el dial.

…tiraste un camión a un barranco para probar los frenos de aire.

…te pidieron que cambiaras a un bebé y al rato volviste con otro.

…inventaste la caspa sintética para pelucas.

…compras lamparitas quemadas, porque estudias fotografía y las usas en el cuarto oscuro.

…falsificas billetes de 10 pesos borrándole un 0 a los de 100.

…cuando te invitan a patinar sobre hielo no vas, porque crees que es peligroso pisar los cubitos.

…no entras en la lucha contra la malaria, porque crees que los malarios no tienen la culpa de nada.

…crees que gastar dinero es raspar una moneda contra la pared.

…para vender una lata de pintura le pones un auto encima.

…piensas que una orquesta de cámara son un grupo de Kodak, Nikon y Minolta.

…enterraste una vaca para sacar leche cultivada.

…te compraste un BMW 220 y para arrancarlo lo enchufaste.

…cuando naciste, en lugar de bautizarte te patentaron.

…tus células cerebrales están en la lista de especies en extinción.

…te lleva 90 minutos ver un programa de una hora.

…te robaron el auto y no te preocupaste porque le tomaste el número de patente.

…adoptaste un bebé oriental de 1 mes y fuiste a aprender japonés para entender sus primeras palabras.

…todo el mundo piensa que eres muy idiota y te están sobrestimando.

…trepas una pared de vidrio para ver que hay del otro lado.

…cierras la tranquera para que no entren los mosquitos.

…te regalaron flores artificiales y saliste a comprar agua artificial para regarlas.

…tienes la cabeza sólo para que la lluvia no te entre por la garganta.

…se ve que aprendes de tus errores: cada vez haces cosas más estúpidas.

…si tuvieras que tragarte todas las tonterías que dices engordarías unos 15 kilos.

…hiciste la pasta dentífrica con partículas de comida para los que no pueden comer antes de cepillarse.

…inventaste un secador de pelo impermeable, para usar bajo el agua.

…vas a contratar un salvavidas para tu lavado de autos.

…para pasar de grado en el colegio tuviste que romper la pared.

…aprovechas tu verruga en el pecho para abrocharte la camisa.

…inventaste el rompecabezas de una sola pieza.

…crees que un invertido es el que duerme haciendo la vertical.

…llevaste un cajón al gimnasio para ver si se convertía en caja fuerte.

…quieres vender tarjetas del Día del Padre en un hogar de madres solteras.

…guardas una botella vacía en el refri por si tus invitados no quieren tomar nada.

…inventaste el apéndice artificial.

…piensas que la luz se come porque un flaco te dijo: Apaga la luz que te la vas a tragar toda.

…el día que tu novia te preguntó: ¿Cuándo se te parará esa mierda? Le dijiste que no tienes diarrea.

…cuando leíste que el güisqui tiene 45° de alcohol no tomaste, porque creíste que te iba a dar calor.

…cuando te invitaron a una fiesta de XV años no fuiste porque no podías perder tanto tiempo.

…te invitaron a jugar al polo y no fuiste porque crees que en ese lugar hace mucho frío.

…te invitaron a dar la vuelta al mundo entero y no fuiste porque no hallaste un tero que te aguante.

…leíste: Casi todos los accidentes ocurren a menos de 1 Km de la casa y te mudaste a 2 de donde vivías.

…pusiste una parrilla en un club de vegetarianos.

…no usas lentes de contacto porque no sabes dónde enchufarlos.

…llevas cebollas en el auto porque son buenas para la circulación.

…se paró el motor de la lancha en la que ibas y te bajaste a empujar.

…no preparas TANG porque no puedes poner 1 litro de agua en un sobrecito tan chico.

…te regalan una cebra y de nombre le pones: Lunares.

…no puedes usar un clip porque no trae manual de uso.

…el peor consejo que se te puede dar es: Sé tu mismo.

…para matar un canario lo tiras a un precipicio.

…metes un dedo en la taza para saber si el café está suave.

…si te tragases un mosquito tendrías más cerebro en el estómago que en la cabeza.

…te pusiste contento cuando sacaste un 10 en un examen, el de coeficiente intelectual.

…preguntaste como se deletrea IBM.

…crees que los cubitos de hielo son los que enfrían el refrigerador.

…crees que la leche en polvo se hace rayando una vaca.

…un día te adiestraron; después te dijeron ataque y obedeciste: te agarró un ataque al corazón.

…te dijeron que debajo del agua olía a caramelo y bajaste a oler.

…no declaraste ante un juez y te metieron en cama porque tu mamá no te deja hablar con extraños.

…tomas la leche en el supermercado porque leíste que en el envase dice: Abra aquí.

…una vez dijiste: Daría mi mano derecha por ser ambidextro.

…juegas a las cartas contra ti mismo y pierdes.

…juegas un solitario y te haces trampa.

…detuviste a 200 personas por portación de armas en un desfile de la policía.

…tienes miedo de que el correcaminos muera cada vez que el coyote lo atrapa.

…eres la única persona en el mundo con coeficiente intelectual negativo.

…repetiste el jardín de niños.

…pusiste una escuela de cocina en un centro de rehabilitación de bulimia y anorexia.

…Escribiste tus más grandes ideas: un libro de cien hojas en blanco.

…un policía te dijo: Caballero, acompáñeme y tú le reclamaste: ¡Oiga, pero si apenas nos conocemos!

…cuando te dijeron que eras extremadamente estúpido preguntaste si eso era bueno o no.

…te quisieron regalar un perro ovejero alemán y no lo aceptaste, porque tus ovejas son australianas.

…le sacas una foto a una tortuga y te sale movida.

…cuando te dicen que subió la gasolina, miras hacia arriba, para ver hasta dónde llegó.

…escribiste el libro: Aprenda a leer.

…te echaron de una escuela para retrasados, porque no alcanzabas el mínimo coeficiente intelectual requerido.

…cuando vas a un boliche le preguntas al Barman cómo anda Robin.

…confundes un guante con un corpiño para vacas.

…tu cerebro entra perfectamente en un dedal.

…un tipo te dijo: Te vendo el auto y tú le respondiste que para que quieres un auto vendado.

…una banda de rufianes te pidió que violaras la ley, y tú agarraste un policía.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
William!
William who?
William-ind your own business!

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers,
you know they really have a lot in common with cats:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.

Cats and teenagers do not improve anyones furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are
not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to
keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above
all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their
direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to
you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant
moment for all concerned.

Three friends — two straight guys and a gay guy — and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned.

They each had to come before St. Peter to be admitted into heaven.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife.

St. Peter shook his head sadly.

I cant let you in. You loved money too much.

You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.

Then came the second straight guy.

Sorry, cant let you in, either. said St. Peter. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously…

Its not looking good for us Dick.

There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the door and said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? The girl said that her name was Pattie.

Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? She said that her name was Pattie also.

At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? The woman piped up and said, His name is Ross and he is my son. She continued, He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him. The bus driver replied, No problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him really good in the mirror.

At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? The little boy replied, My name is Lester Cleese.

Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.

The man replied: Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus.

Received from Pete Belcher.

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into avery posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellowexclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeousfull-length coat.As the lady tries it on, the furrierdiscreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.""No problem! Ill write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shopowner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your checkhas cleared."So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasnt a single penny in your checking account!""I just had to come by,"grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
What are you going to do with the prize money? the officer asked.
The man responded, I guess Ill go to driving school and get my license.
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, Officer, dont listen to him. Hes a smart aleck when hes drunk.
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, I knew we wouldnt get far in this stolen car.
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked Are we over the border yet?

Beyond Internet and computer goodies, well hear some real things heard in US courtrooms such as…

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.

Juror: Thats not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I dont want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Cant they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I dont want them to know it.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isnt interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendants motion?

Public Defender: Im sorry, Your Honour. I wasnt listening.

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?

Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

From a defendant representing himself…

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.

Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, Im the guy who stole the chickens.

Judge: I know you, dont I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.