Old and New Jokes

The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead headline United States

Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada by Daniel Haney, AP Science writer

Washington – Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, largely because […]

U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects social differences between the two countries.

Frostbite of the nose is not as expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly. he said.

My friend Steve, the priest, told me this one:

Q: Why are Christmas trees and priests alike?

A: Because they both have balls and are only used for decoration.

Yet another parrot joke:

Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing
a talking bird. However, it seems a lot of people are going to receive
talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her
entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw.
It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior
to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw
and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled
on a perch at her home he looked around and said:

Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!

Later that day the womans two daughters arrived home from high school.
Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled:

Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!

Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him
the bird squawked:

Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. Gday Jimmy!

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk! He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?
I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling.
Okay, truck drivers are not nerds, he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
Why did you do that?
Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You dont even need a license. The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
Well, sure, says the patrolman. But you cant bait em.

Three Proofs That Jesus Was Jewish

He went into his fathers business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

Three Proofs That Jesus Was Irish

He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

Three Proofs That Jesus Was Puerto Rican

His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

Three Proofs That Jesus Was Italian

He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades

Three Proofs That Jesus Was Black

He called everybody brother
He liked Gospel
He couldnt get a fair trial

Three Proofs That Jesus Was A Californian

He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

Three Proofs That Jesus Was A Woman

He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didnt get it
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

Heres one…

There was this priest who wanted to spread the good word in areas
where need was greatest. He thought that the best place to start was
in Africa. So off he went.

He went into a deep jungle, and found a tribe. In his haste, he
forgot that he would have to teach these people English first. So,
he selected what he thought was the smartest of the tribesmen and
began his teaching.

They went for long walks in the jungle, first the priest would point
to a rock and say, Rock. And the native would say bagwundame.
And the priest would repeat Rock, and the native would say roock.
Then priest would point and say tree, native would say tree,
and so on–Until the native had a minor understanding of English.

It was on one of these nature walks that the pair stumbled upon a
clearing, and on the other edge of the clearing was a young couple
making love.

Well, this embarrassed the priest, and as he turned to leave the
tribesman asked, What they do?

The priest, being flustered, said, UUUhhh, why, theyre uh, uh, mmm,
Fuc.. er no theyre scre…*er* mmmaking whoop… cough THEY RIDE BICYCLE!

He figured, hey, this guys never gonna see a bicycle anyway…so…

Instantly, the native whips out a blowgun and shoots both lovers dead
on the spot. The priest is outraged!

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?? THATS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ANY TWO
PEOPLE CAN DO!! WHY??? cried the Priest.

The native answered simply, He ride MY bicycle.

1. You can name everyone you graduated with

2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home

3. You know what 4-H is

4. You ever went to headlight parties

5. You used to drag main

6. You said the f word and your parents knew within the hour

7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones wont

8. You ever went cow-tipping

9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the buyer for all of the best parties

10. You have parties at the same guys house

12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events

13. The town social events are their childrens

14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, theyd tell your parents, anyhow)

15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them

16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut

17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade

18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming

19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself

20. No place sells gas on Sunday

21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)

22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks

23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town

24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date

25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog

26. You had senior skip day

27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation

28. The only clique that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street

30. You dont give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons, and its four houses left of the track field)

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselors office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.



What seems to be the problem?



Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.



After 5 – – 10 – – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.



Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.



He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.



The counselor spoke to the husband, Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!



The husband scratched his head and replied, I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .

A brunette walks into a bar and says, Gimme an ML. The bartender says, Whats an ML? She says, A Miller Light.

Another Brunette walks in and says, Gimme a BL. The bartender says, Whats a BL? She says, Bud Light.

A dumb blonde walks in and says, Gimme a 15. The bar tender says, Whats a fifteen? She says, 7&7, duh!