Old and New Jokes

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (Yes, Guys, these are REAL.)

1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life 2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed 3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause Im Kissing You Goodbye 4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 5) How Can I Miss You If You Wont Go Away? 6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know Ive Been A Liar All My Life? 7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral 8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life 9) I Dont Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me 11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart. 12) I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You 13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow 14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldnt Spell Yuck! 15) I Wouldnt Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause Im Afraid Shed Win 16) Id Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy 17) Im Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life 18) Im The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised 19) Ive Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart 20) Ive Got The Hungries For Your Love And Im Waiting In Your Welfare Line 21) If I Cant Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 22) If Love Were Oil, Id Be A Quart Low 23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, Id Blow It All On You 24) If You Dont Leave Me Alone, Ill Go And Find Someone Else Who Will 25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? 26) Mama Get The Hammer (Theres A Fly On Papas Head) 27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic 28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Dont Love Jesus 29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart 30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 31) Oh, Ive Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You 32) Pardon Me, Ive Got Someone To Kill 33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft 34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart 36) Shes Got Freckles On Her, But Shes Pretty 37) Thank God And Greyhound Shes Gone 38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Cant Stop My Face From Breakin Out 39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart 40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So Ill Think Youre Walking In 41) You Cant Have Your Kate And Edith Too 42) You Cant Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd 43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat 44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life 45) Youre The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

ATTENTION :

All citizens of Arkansas planning a trip to Washington, D.C. to visit Willy Jeff

1. Before leaving for Washington, clean red mud from windshields and remove hog and chicken feed from pick-up bed.

2. Any cardboard box can be made to look like a suitcase if brown shoe polish is smoothly applied. Boxes must have tops, but no ropes. When a few miles out of Arkansas, remove overalls and brogans and putt them into your box. Change to Sunday suit, clean shirt and good shoes (wear socks).

3. Limit occupancy of your car or pickup to a reasonable number of riders. It looks country to overload a vehicle.

4. Those going on their tractors should leave three weeks early. Remember to drive on the right side of the road at all times, except when passing an older tractor or a buddy in a wagon.

5. En route always buy a full tank of gas. A dollars worth at a time requires too many gas stops.

6. On arrival in Washington, immediately get settled in a tourist or boarding house. If they dont feed, try to locate near an all-nite cafe. Leave soda crackers, Viennas, R.C. Colas and Moon Pies In car or pick-up. First class tourist homes do not take kindly to guests who prepare food in their sleeping rooms.

7. Do not take live chickens or hogs – for some reason people in Virginia think that they have good hams. For the sake of national unity, we dont want to show them up. Besides, their dogs would chase our chickens and our hogs would eat their dogs… just making a hell of a mess.

8. Do not take Sears catalog or corn cobbs with you. Up there the out-houses are always inside and they furnish a rolled paper substitute, but remember to turn the knob on the white bowl as this is a house rule and creates less air pollution problems. Brother Al Gore gets all heated about this pollution and we dont want to set him off.

9. If invited by a county agent, fertilizer manufacturers representative or hog vaccine manufacturers salesman to have a drink in his hotel room, do not spit tobacco juice on the carpeted floor. When asked what you drink, dont say stump juice. Tell them all classy people from Arkansas drink B&B (Bourbon and Branch water).

10. And above all else – dont let any Yankee show you up. Constant screaming of Hes a good ole boy will make it difficult for them to engage you in conversation on their intelligence level. You can also keep up the chant started by Cousin Slick, Its time for change! As you know, we plan a change of underwear on the first of every month. First cousins change with second cousins, but always keep it in the family. Willie has passed a decree, even when divorced you can still be cousins in Arkansas.

Dear God:

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed today because they pissed me off.

And also, please help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. So far today, God, I have done all right. I havent gossiped. I havent lost my temper. I havent been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.

I am very thankful for that but in a few minutes, I am going to get out of bed. And from then on, I am going to need a lot more help.

Amen.

Did you know that over 20% of the Chinese population have cataracts?

The other 80% drive Rincolns.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?A: Not enough sand.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.Watson says, I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.Holmes replied: Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent.

Bernadette urn-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize ur-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.

You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly, in this country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!

Hey, coola down lady, said the man, Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed his mums bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, I need a man, I need a man.

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day Johnny came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself and moaned, Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!

El perro de un abogado, corriendo sin correa, entra en una carnicería y se roba un gran pedazo de carne. El carnicero sigue al perro hasta la oficina del abogado y le pregunta a éste: Si un perro entra corriendo sin correa a mi carnicería y se roba un pedazo de carne, ¿tengo el derecho de exigir al dueño del perro que me pague la carne que el perro robó?

El abogado contesta: Absolutamente.

Entonces me debe usted 9 pesos. Su perro me robó un pedazo de carne hace unos momentos.

El abogado, sin decir ni una palabra, escribe y entrega al carnicero un cheque amparando los 9 pesos.

Dos dias después, el carnicero abre el correo de su casa y encuentra un sobre del abogado. Al abrirlo se da cuenta de que es ¡una factura por $50 en concepto de honorarios por la consulta!