Yo mommas so fat her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a Milk Dud!!
17
Apr
17
Apr
Two heads are more numerous than one.
17
Apr
You might be a redneck if… Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
17
Apr
************************* Chief Executive Officer Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA
Dear Sir,
Listen you little troll, Ive been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but ITS DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or Im gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you wont wanna be around to smell it).
So, heres my 1997 resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. Im sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, Id take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And whats with that earring anyway? If Im gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I dont care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just dont cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe PMS Barbie, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; Animal Rights Barbie, with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or Stop Smoking Barbie, sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonalds endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. Its been 37 years–I think I deserve it.
Ok, Mr CEO, thats it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I dont think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. Its that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie Dreamhouse Malibu, CA
17
Apr
How did Helen Keller parents punish him as a child?
They rearranged the furniture.
17
Apr
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Womans Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies
17
Apr
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, Help, Help me!, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
17
Apr
A mother and her son were flying TWA from Kansas to Chicago. The
son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
said, If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
dont big planes have baby planes?
The mother (who couldnt think
of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the
stewardess, If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
dont big planes have baby planes?
The stewardess asked, Did your mother
tell you to ask me? He said that she had. So she said, Tell your mother
that TWA always pulls out on time.
17
Apr
•Include your children when baking cookies!
•Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
•Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
•British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
•Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
•A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
•Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
•For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
•For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
•Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
•Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
•Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
•Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
•We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
•No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
•For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
•Great Dames for sale.
•Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
•Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
•20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
•Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
•Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
•If you think youve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
•Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
•The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
•Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
•Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
•Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
•Stock up and save. Limit: one.
•Save regularly in our bank. Youll never reget it.
•We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
•This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
•For Sale–Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
•For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
•Man, honest. Will take anything.
•Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
•Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
•Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
•Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
•Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
•Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
•Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
•Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
•3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
•Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
•Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
•Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, youll never go anywhere again.
•See ladies blouses. 50% off!
•Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
•Illiterate? Write today for free help.
•Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
•Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
•Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
•Mothers helper–peasant working conditions.
•Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
•And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
•We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
17
Apr
George and Laura are at the first baseball game of the year, and everyone is yelling and screaming.
One of the Presidents cabinet advisors whispers advice into his ear, at which point George stands up and throws Laura out onto the field.
The crowd goes deathly silent and the advisor says, No, sir, what I said was, they want you to throw out the first pitch.