A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guys photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
Yes, please she replied. Tell him Mother didnt come after all.
With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation!
Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 get well soon cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor. No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down,she says.
Ah says the doc,this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery. How nice , says Liz.Thank you – what a nice thought. The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations – she is to be trusted.
What a beautiful thought , from such a humble person -Im really touched, says Liz. But who is the 3rd card from? asks Liz.
Oh, says the doctor, thats from Evander Holyfield — thanking you for his new ears!!!
Un tipo llega a las Vegas y le va excelente en un casino, gana fácilmente unos 200,000 dls., por lo tanto, el casino le regala una suite por una noche, con la esperanza de que se quede y pierda todo lo que gano.
El tipo llega a la Suite y ve por la ventana panorámica, una fabulosa vista de la ciudad. Entonces, necesitando de alguien con quien compartir su suerte, llama al botones y le pide le mande a la mejor chica de la vida alegre que pueda conseguir. En un ratito, llaman a la puerta y aparece la mujer más bella y perfecta que se puedan imaginar. El tipo la mira, anonadado, va y sirve dos tragos. Luego, le pregunta Cuanto por un trabajo manual?.
La chava no lo piensa dos veces y le contesta 500 dls.
Queeeee? responde el primero, es carÃsimo.
La chava lo lleva a la ventana y le dice:
Ves ese mall allá abajo? Tengo tres tiendas de ropa exclusivas. Las puse con el dinero que gano haciéndolo con la mano. Debo ser muy buena en ello, no crees?
El tipo lo piensa, y como no tiene ningún problema de dinero, se lo da. Media hora después, todo tembloroso y jadeante, se levanta y sirve otros dos tragos.
– Ese ha sido el mejor trabajo manual que me han dado en mi vida… Cuanto por sexo oral?.
La chava responde: 5,000dlls.
El otro exclama de nuevo, asombrado por el alto precio. La chava lo lleva de nuevo a la ventana y le señala un edificio a lo lejos: Ves ese casino y hotel? Es mÃo, lo compre con el dinero que gane haciendo sexo oral. Debo ser muy buena haciendo eso… no crees? . El tipo accede. Una hora después, esta tirado, con la cabeza hacia atrás, los ojos en blanco, temblando, sudoroso, babeando y jadeante…
– Ese es el mejor sexo oral que he tenido en mi vida… Cuanto quieres por sexo completo? Y la chava le contesta:
Querido, si tuviera una vagina, serÃa la dueña de la ciudad…
Q: How many Chowan students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three – if they get lucky and one of them has taken the course at Elizabeth City State.
The more I get to know people, the better I like animals.
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial–a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?
She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?
She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!
Thanx to Leon Mosteller.
You know that Storks bring babys of course. What kind of bird
definitely does not bring babys?
Swallows!
Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.
Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.
Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed I cant break this! I need exact change.
Come on buddy. Jack pleaded, Cant you give me a break, just this once?
Nope. Sorry. Exact change! Answered the collector.
While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, Do you really like this job?
Well its not the best job that Ive ever had, but it pays the bills, replied the collector. what do you do for a living? he asked.
Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, Im a rectum stretcher.
A what? asked the collector.
A rectum stretcher. Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.
What does a rectum stretcher do? The collector asked.
Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums. Jack explained setting aside a nickle.
Wow, is there much call for that kind of work? The collector asked.
Oh youd be surprised. Its real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. Its the new trend. Jack said.
Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, Well if you dont mind me asking, I mean if its not too personal, how big do you, well you know…?
…How big do I stretch them? Jack interupted. Most of them, not too big, He continued, but I have stretched some up to six feet.
SIX FEET! The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?
Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.
Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He
approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one:
Whats troubling you, brother? he said.
My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still cant
see.
Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now
20-20 vision.
The next gentleman couldnt hear Jesus questions, so The Lord just touched
his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the
door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.
The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even
before Jesus could greet him. Dont you come near me, man! Dont touch
me! he screamed. Im on disability!