Old and New Jokes

Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.

The Poles have a saying about how communist governments rewrite history:

Only the future is certain; the past is always changing

What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette?

A blonde doing cartwheels!

Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm. Do your alphabet first.Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz. Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but wheres the p? Malcolm: Miss, its running down my leg!

Where does a 200 ton elephant sit?

Anywhere he wants!

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the preacher, overcome by curiosity, approached her. My dear lady, I couldnt help but notice that you put $1,000 week in the collection plate, he stated. Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money, and what I dont need I give to the church. Thats wonderful, how much does he send you? Oh, $20,000 a week. Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living? He is a veterinarian, she answered. That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice? Well, he has one cat house near Las Vegas and another outside of Reno.

Oh, Im sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

One day a blonde was sitting on a plane next to one of those smart businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway. He says, “It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa.” She said no again, and tried to fall asleep. The man begged and said, “Ill give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?” At that number, the blonde agreed. The businessman explains again, “If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500. “Okay,” she replies. He asks, “Who was the sixth president?” She admits she doesnt know, gives him $5. Now its her turn, and she says, “What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?” The businessman doesnt know — he uses his laptop, checks the internet, emails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00. Then, as theyre landing he asks her, “What was that thing anyway?” She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin…

"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that arent expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

Twas the night before finals,

And all through the college,

The students were praying

For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,

But none touched their beds,

While visions of essays

danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,

A few were still drinking,

And hoping that liquor

would loosen up their thinking.

In my own apartment,

I had been pacing,

And dreading exams

I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,

His nose in his books,

And my comments to him

Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,

And brewed a new pot,

No longer caring

That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,

But my thoughts were muddy,

My eyes went ablur,

I just couldnt study.

Some pizza might help,

I said with a shiver,

But each place I called

Refused to deliver.

Id nearly concluded

That life was too cruel,

With futures depending

On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,

Our door opened wide,

And Patron Saint Put It Off

Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless,

His manner was mellow,

He started to bellow:

What kind of student

Would make such a fuss,

To toss back at teachers

What they tossed at us?

On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!

On Last Years Exams!

On Wingit and Slingit,

And Last Minute Crams!

His message delivered,

He vanished from sight,

But we heard him laughing

Outside in the night.

Your teachers have pegged you,

So just do your best.

Happy Finals to All,

And to All, a good test.