A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
Heres a copy of the service, he said impatiently. But youll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.
During the service, the minister paused and said, Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.
At that moment, the substitute organist played, The Star Spangled Banner.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.
Yes sir, its fresh ground.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Propaganda) was out
in the field, taking the Revolution to the people: explaining the
fundamentals of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of
the Department was out talking to a farmer in Siberia…
Official: So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: From each
according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. You understand?
Farmer: (confused) Nyet…
O: OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and
give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see?
F: Da, Da! Iz good!
O: And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to
man who has no tractors. Da?
F: Da! Da! Is WERY good!
O: And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no
cheekens. Da?
F: Nyet! Iz not good!
O: Why?
F: I have two cheekens…
John Field
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, Hey, whereve you been? I havent seen you around here much.
The twenty answered, Ive been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?
The one dollar bill said, You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.They looked at the third man and he said, I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.The man replied, Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, Come out and fight like a man!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldnt bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. Im gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand So, says the second drunk, whats your point? Well, says the first, Im just wondering how much stronger Im gonna get!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A woman is driving down the freeway with her daughter Kimmie. Kimmie is digging through the glove box looking for something.
Oh, SHIT! yells young Kim in complete frustration.
Kim! Do you know what that means? said the woman.
Yes, Mommie. Thats what you say when you cant find something.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
How do you sink an [ethnic] submarine?
You knock on the door.
Posted in Ethnic |
A four-legged dinner with its own barcode.
Posted in Riddles |
Did you hear about the dyslexic who went to a toga party dressed as a
goat?
Posted in One Liners |