One day after school,Little Johnny went up to the teacher and said,Teacher,Teacher,take of your shirt. The teacher said,Johnny no! Johnny goes,If you dont then Ill tell my mommy and shell tell my daddy then youll get fired! Ok,Johnny, said the teacher while taking it off. Then Johnny said,Teacher,take off your pants. The teacher said,No,Johnny! Johnny said,Then Ill tell my mommy then shell tell my daddy and youll get fired! Ok,Johnny,said the teacher as she took them off. Johnny said,Teacher, take off your bra. No,Johnny!said the teacher. Ill tell my mommy then shell tell my daddy and youll get fired!said Johnny. Ok,Johnny.the teacher said as she took it off. Teacher,take off your panties.johnny said. No,Johnny!said the teacher. Ill tell my mommy then shell tell! Ok,Johnny,said teacher as she took them off. The Johnny undressed and said to his teacher,Teacher,Teacher.Let me fuck you! The teacher replied,No,Johnny. Ill tell my mommy and shell tell my daddy and youll get fired!said Johnny. Ok,Johnnythe teacher said as she climbed on the desk!
A guy dies and goes to heaven. Its a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon the guys passing the entrance test, St. Peter says Im not very busy today, why dont you let me show you around?
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria, and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, Whats up with these clocks?
St. Peter explains, Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, What is the story with that clock?
Oh, that, St. Peter replies, Thats Bill Clintons clock.
We decided to use it as a ceiling fan.
Yo mama so tall she bumped her head on the Pearly Gates.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
Rabbi in bar
A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the rest room. He walks up to the bartender, and asks Can I please use the rest room? The place was hoppin with music, and dancin, till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, I really dont think you should.
The Rabbi again, asks, Can I please use the rest room? Well, the bartender says to the Rabbi, I really dont think you should, you see, there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and shes only covered by a fig leaf!
The Rabbi responded with, Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that statue! Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the stairs.
The Rabbi proceeded to the rest room, and after a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hoppin with music and dancin again! He went to the bartender and said, Sir, I dont understand, when I came in here, the place was hoppin with music and dancin, then the place became absolutely quiet. I went to the rest room, and the place is hoppin again.
The bartender says, Well, now youre one of us, can I get you a drink? The Rabbi says, I still dont understand. The bartender told him, You see, every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?
Didja hear that diarrheas hereditary?
Yeah, it runs in the jeans!
Manolo y José se compran dos caballos y mientras van de regreso al pueblo se dicen:
Oye Manolo, ¿cómo vamos a saber cual es mi caballo y cual el tuyo?
Pues muy fácil, José. Le cortamos una oreja a uno.
Un muchacho muy vivo que pasaba por allà y escuchó la conversación le corta la oreja al otro caballo. Al otro dÃa los gallegos van a buscar los caballos y dicen:
Joder, Manolo, ¿ahora cómo los diferenciaremos?
Le cortamos la pata a uno, y listo.
El muchacho que de vuelta escucha la conversación le corta la pata al otro caballo. Y asà siguen hasta que los dos caballos están completamente destrozados. Entonces Manolo le dice a josé:
– ¡Oye, estoy harto… el negro es tuyo y el blanco es mÃo!
When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look … twins!
— Rodney Dangerfield
31. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CANT HEEEEEEAR YOU!
32. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
33. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
34. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
35. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
36. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
37. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
38. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about that bug I picked up in the field.
39. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lectures over when the bottles done.
40. Growl constantly and address students as matey.
My parents were so poor they got married for the rice.