During a political debate the politicians were asked to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
The first one, a democrat, came up with an answer right away. He said, One of my hobbies is painting, and no matter if I paint with water colors, or oils I always fascinate people with my work.
The second politician, the republican, said My grandfather was a magician, and when ever he performed a trick be it with cards, or hoops, or magic balls he would always fascinate us.
The third politician, an independent, said I dont know if I can do that.
The MC of the debate said, Go ahead take a couple of minutes then give it your best.
The third politician thought for a while then said, I know this gal, one time she went to the store to buy a new blouse. The blouse had ten buttons on it, but when she went to button it her boobs were so big that she could only fasten eight.
Do you know the difference between a good year and 365 used condoms?
Answer: A fucking good year!!!!!
Why do Jewish American Princesses close their eyes during sex?
So they can pretend they are shopping.
Why does Chanukah come before Christmas?
– So Jews can break up with their non Jewish girlfriends
in between.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I dont know, there are some things even a blonde wont do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it wont stop until it gets blood.
This was written by Tom Annau, an undergrad working in my lab here
at Stanford.
Aesops fables and other traditional childrens stories involve
allegory far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need
an updated message with contemporary circumstance and plot line,
and short enough to suit todays minute attention span.
The Troubled Aardvark
Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life
was driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage
house in his brand new 4×4. He hated his manipulative boss, his
conniving and unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling,
spoiled children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of
his life and his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of
his nation, its pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete
ineffectiveness of any personal effort he could make to change the
status quo. Overcome by a wave of utter depression and self-doubt,
he decided to take the only course of action that would bring
him greater comfort and happiness: he drove to the mall and bought
imported consumer electronics goods.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics
manufacturers.
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to
himself, Im screwed.
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body.
Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again:
Okay…….NOW youre screwed!
01. I can see your point, but youre still full of crap.
02. I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronouce.
03. I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.
05. Ahh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
11. This isnt and office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
And heres a bonus funny from: Siglets.com
Sometimes … when you cry … no one sees your tears …
Sometimes…when you are worried….no one sees your pain…
Sometimes … when you are happy … no one sees your smile …
But fart just one time…
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing
God, she asked if this was it.
God replied, No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to
live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even
had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much
more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while
crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the
hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, I thought you said
I had another 40 years?
God replied, Sorry, I didnt recognize you.
A New Orleans lawyer needed 75 stitches after a two-metre shark
in a restaurant aquarium lunged out and bit him.
— Canadian Lawyer, December 1988 (What a Wacky Year: a
look back at some of the strange and bizarre stories and
events of 1988)